Me and My Bellas
by Dark Chyld713
Summary: An overworked psychiatrist, Edward Cullen was never supposed to treat Isabella Swan. When he soon realizes that it will become the case of his career, he must figure out if he loves Isabella Swan the person, or the patient.
1. Chapter 1

If there were such a thing as destiny, then I had surely wronged it somehow. All plans that I had for my life, had always gone awry. I had never felt that I was following the path I belonged on. Somewhere down the line I had rebelled against my own destiny and it had been out for revenge ever since. There was nothing I could do to appease it; nothing to make it any less angry that I wasn't the renowed surgeon my father wanted, or that I wasn't married and on my way to having four kids by the time I was thirty like my mother wanted. There was nothing I could do to make it right.

Surgery bored me. Of course surgeons saved lives, and made countless wonders happen. I applaud them, they do what most people cannot. Beyond that, though, I feel nothing for that field of medicine. They are cold and clinical. Will a person live if they put them on the operating table? Will they have a better quality of life after the surgery? Is the five hours in the OR worth it in the long run? There is a formula involved in the decision making process. And though others may feel comfortable looking someone in the eyes and telling them that their lives aren't worth the risk; I never have. Everyone out there means something to someone else. How can you be so cold and clinical about a humans life and still be able to sleep at night? The night that I told my father that I would not be following him into surgery I knew that I had altered whatever destiny had planned for me.

Women loved me, I knew that. But I felt lonely wherever I went. I had never found that person that could speak to my soul. And I know that doesn't sound like something that is even possible, but I know that it is. All I have to do is look at my parents and feel it deep down. Someone out there can get you, the very core of you. They can understand you without having to say a word,and they read everything that you're feeling right there in your eyes.

Each woman I dated, I prayed that she would be the one. I wanted to bring them home to my mother to say, "here mom, this is the one that will make our dreams come true." Yet each woman made me feel even more disappointed than the last. It would last longer than the previous relationship but inevitably it would end. They would feel that I was not present enough for them, or I would realize that when I looked at them I would never really see who they were. I had always looked at every woman with the potential that I would want her to be. And none had lived up to what I had imagined for them.

Destiny had been cruel to me. It had tricked me, and made me believe that I would be able to please everyone around me. The truth was that I would never be able to please anyone around me. There would always be something to criticize or complain about. And it would make sure that my life was never the same after it had allowed me to be introduced to Isabella Swan.

Throwing my glasses on my desk I questioned why I had ever chosen to teach and have a small private practice at the same time. When I had taken the teaching job it was in favor to a long time friend. Jasper, though several years older than me had always been someone that I had connected with. There was no one else in my life that could tell me everything like it was without offending me or making me angry. He had an uncanny ability to read my mood and talk to me accordingly. When he was in need of a new teacher on campus I did not hesitate to help him out. I never though that I would take it on full time as well as private patients. But staying busy was one way to keep the attention off of my failing private life.

I was a good enough psychiatrist and aware enough of my own denial to know that I was compensating for what was missing.

Pinching the bridge of my nose to release some of the tension that was building up inside of me I tried to calm myself down. At only two in the afternoon I had at least four more patients to see. Mainly depressed housewives and men going through a midlife crisis. All looking to me to fix whatever cracks had started to fall apart in their emotional dams.

It served almost no purpose to tell them that we all felt lonely, and lost at some point. That they would figure out a way to pull through it. The act of talking out their feelings was enough to put them back together. When you feel like your world is falling apart, you feel the need to have someone there to guide you back to safety. That's where I usually come in. Sometimes I have patients that I have had to talk down from suicide attempts; mainly though I am an anchor for people who are going through rough times.

"Lauren," I called out to my assisstant.

"Yes, Dr. Cullen. What do you need?" The smile plastered on her face, and the new orange hue that her skin now took on told me that she was once again in hunting mode. There was some poor man out there that was falling victim to her shrill voice and surgically enhanced body.

"Who is coming in next?" I did my best to avoid looking at her. Any small glimpse her way, or at the many low cut blouses that exposed half of her cleavage caused her to start giggling and asking me if I were ever going to be free for a lunch.

"Well- I uh got a call from Dr. Whitlock," she started nervously. Stuttering was never a good sign. I could feel my stress level start to rise again. "He wanted me to clear the rest of your afternoon. He is coming down in a little bit to have some sort of meeting with you."

"And why wasn't I informed of this early today?" I asked looking at my desk trying to keep my temper in check. It would do no good to chew her out, for the fifth time this week.

"You had back to back clients and then you ran off to your class before I could get your attention. You just walked back into your office now and I was going to tell you." She said so quickly that I knew she could sense my displeasure.

I let out a deep sigh and did my best to not glare at her when I raised my eyes to look at her. There were plenty of times when she let her daydreaming get in the way of her job, but today she was right. I had been so busy today that I hadn't stopped for a minute to even look her way.

"You are right, I have been very busy. In the future please let me know somehow though. It is imperitive that I know of any meetings that come about." I saw her nod her head and drop her eyes. "Have my patients been notified that I have to reschedule?"

"Oh of course," she said snapping her eyes back up to me. "I did that straight away. The ones that I couldn't get a hold of I left voicemails for. They will be expecting me to call them with a new meeting time some time tomorrow morning."

"Good, just remember, the ones with the largest problems comes first—"

"And schedule a bit of empty space in between sessions just in case the sessions run over their allotted time. After two years of working for you I know how you like your schedule made Dr. Cullen," she said giggling once more.

Apparently even after two years she had never caught on to the idea that vapid bimbos just aren't my style and I would never be willing or want to have a date with her. I could barely stomach her as my assisstant. Though she did know how to schedule my patients.

A knock on my office door caused us both to turn our attention to Jasper, who was know standing in the doorway. "Are you busy with something? I can wait a few minutes."

"No," I smiled motioning him inside my office. " I was just being informed that you wanted to meet with me. Thank you Lauren, I will call you if I need anything else," my smile still on my face I nod my head to let her know she is dismissed.

She stared at me dazed for a moment before nodding her head herself and making her way out the door.

"She still has a thing for you huh Edward?" Jasper asked chuckling.

"Please, do not remind me. No matter how many times I turn her down, she always comes back to me after she gets dumped by her latest boyfriend."

Still laughing Jasper folded himself into the chair across from my desk.

"So, what can I do for you?"

"Right down to business as usual. First, Alice wants me to ask you over for dinner. She says it has been far too long since you have visited with her."

I laughed and shook my head. "My dearest cousin never thinks I visit her enough. I will abide by any time that she wants to set up. We all know that I have no real option to say no."

"Smart man Edward. And next is the thing that I am going to have use all my powers of persuasion toconvince you to go along with."

"Anything that requires that is a very large favor to ask of me," I said seriously looking at Jasper.

"I am afraid that it is. I need you to take on a patient."

"Jas I am already booked up. I'm holding sessions until eight at night, and then spend most of my night making lesson plans."

"I know that you are swamped. I am too. I would do this one myself but Alice will kill me if I spend any more time away from home. I am running this department, and I still have my practice on the side. Please just listen to why I need you to do this before you say no."

I sighed and shook my head. I would never be able to say no to this gentle man who had been nothing but amazing to me and Alice who had grown up with me like a sister.

"Alright, what's this all about?"

"She's a referral from one of the teachers here. She's been experiencing black outs and exhibiting strange behavior in and out of classes. This teacher has known her for years and has never seen the girl act like this before."

"Are we talking like a schizophrenic break, or dissociative episodes?"

"That's where you would come in my friend."

"Jasper,I don't handle things like that. Emmet is the departments expert in that area."

"And I would send her over to him if he weren't knee deep in the new research study that was just commisioned. He isn't taking patients until its over. That won't be for another six months. Whatever this girl is experiencing, she needs help now."

"I haven't taken on cases like this in years. The amount of research I would have to do to fully treat her is—"

"I can give you an intern that will do all of your research for you. And I can take a few of your patients and give them to Rose."

"Ugh, not Rose. Why can't she just take on the new girl?"

"You know how Rose is. She can be a bit—intimidating."

"That's putting it mildly," I muttered while laughing.

"Edward, there is no one else to do this. You know how to handle people. You understand their minds better than anyone else in this department. I want you to take her because I think she will have her best shot at recovering if she is treated by you. You know how to be gentle with cases like this. Any other problems that you have I can take care of. But I need you to take on this case."

"And you don't want to just order me to do it?"

"I would prefer not to. I know that you are busy, it is unfair to make you take on such a large task without you agreeing to it."

"When do I start seeing her?" I asked knowing that if the girl really needed help I had to do my part to help her.

"She is coming in for a quick consult at three. If you really think that she is too much for you to handle after you talk to her then I will find somewhere else for her to be treated."

"Are you hoping for research papers to come out of this case?"

"You know me Edward, the patient always comes first but—"

"But if I can get a paper published out of it all the better."

"All the better," Jaser said unleashing his full smile on me.

"Ok, what's her name?"

"Isabella Swan."

"You know that this was supposed to end up in Emmet's lap"

"I talked to him already, and he can't take it on. But he is mighty jealous," he answered me with a laugh letting his light southern accent to come through.

"I'm still unsure about it. I don't want to do the wrong thing with her. I'm not meant to treat her."

"You were the one that always said you were being screwed over by fate. Maybe it's just screwing with you again."

I nod my head and chuckle."I wouldn't be surprised. Call me with the details for dinner?"

"I'm sure that Alice will do that for me. Emmet and Rose will be there."

"She still won't give up on trying to get those two together?"

"She truly believes that they are meant to be. Its that whole Paula Abdul thing about the 'opposites attract'. Alice when on a whole rant about it the other day."

I threw back my head and laughed. Alice was really a one of a kind person. She always had her own ideas and theories on how everyone could be happier in life.

"Don't forget, three o'clock. Isabella Swan."

"Send Lauren in as you go out please, I need her to clear up my schedule."

I spent the next half hour waiting for the new patient and figuring out which patients would be referred over to Rosalie Hale. She was hard and domineering; but she had to be in a medical field that took her gorgeous looks as a sign that she was beneath them. In truth she was one of the best psychiatrists that Seattle had to offer. She had many papers published on obsessive compulsive disorder and how to treat it. Any person looking for therapy would be lucky to be seen by her.

I did understand why Jasper did not want the new patient to be seen by Rose though. She looked at every patient as an opportunity to get published. And while some patients did not mind, more of them wanted to feel like they were something other than a medical paper in waiting. And whenever they confronted by Rose about it, it was going to turn into a nasty fight.

There had been quite a few people that had stormed out of her office believing that she did not care about them as people. Those were the ones that couldn't see past her ambition and professionalism. She was distant and nearly cruel not because she wanted to, but because she had to. She felt every persons pain almost as if it were her own. She had a large heart that she did not want anyone to know about. She cared for every patient that walked into her office as if they were family to her. When I had figured out how she operated, she threatened to castrate me. It was true Rosalie fashion.

"Dr. Cullen, your new patient is here," Lauren said sticking her head in to peek at me.

"Thank you Lauren. Have you gotten all her insurance information?" When she nodded her head I grabbed my pen and pad and nodded back at her. "Alright then send her in. You can go home early today, Isabella is the last patient that I will be seeing today."

"Thank you so much, I just met a new guy named Tyler, and I'm supposed to meet him for dinner—"

"The patient Lauren."

"Of course. Come on in," she said curtly before closing the door on her way out.

I stood back, stunned by the woman that was standing in my doorway. She was no more than twenty five with brown eyes that were so large they seemed to swallow me whole when I was looking into them. Her body was long and lithe and she was at least half a foot smaller than me.

"Isabella, please make yourself comfortable. You can sit in a chair here or lay on the couch if you would like."

"I think I'll sit," she said timidly shuffling towards the chair as if she was unsure of every step she took.

"Ok Isabella, why don't you tell me why you're here."

"Bella."

"Sorry?"

"Just Bella. I don't like to be called Isabella. Everyone usually sticks to just calling me Bella."

I could do nothing but stare as her alabaster skin flushed with a rosy pink and turned her high cheekbones a delicious shade of pink. I knew what she was in my office for, but I was a man. And it would never matter to any man where they met a woman, or how. They would always appreciate the beauty that was in front of them.

"Alright then, Bella, why don't you tell me why you're here today."

"I thought they told you why."

"They did, but I want to know what you think. I know what they think, now it's your turn."

I waited a few minutes as she stared at her hands and fiddled with her fingers. "Is something wrong Bella?"

"I don't know. I guess not. I just didn't expect it to be like—well like this."

"What would that be exactly? Did you expect a larger office?"

"No, I just thought that you would be older. I mean I've heard of you, girls talk about you all the time. How hot you are and everything. I just thought that they meant in that older man, Robert Redford type of way. Like a sexy grandfather."

I laughed and stared at her as she tried to control her blushing. "Do you see me as a sexy grandfather type?"

"Definitely not as a grandfather. At least my grandfather never looked like that when I was growing up."

"What was he like?"

"He was—old I guess. I didn't really see him very much. He lived up here in Forks while my mom raised me in Phoenix. We would visit a few times a year. He was always old to me. And I don't think I ever heard of anyone say that he was a sexy grandfather. I don't know. He was always just Grandpa to me."

"What about your father? Was he there in Phoenix?"

"No, he stayed behind in Forks. My mom walked out on him when I was still a little baby. She wanted some big type of adventure."

"Did she get it?"

"It depends on how you define adventure. She dated a lot. Maybe to her that was an adventure. But she never really did anything else besides teach grade school. She bought a small house for us, and that was about it. We never really went on vacations or anything. She just had the boyfriends."

"And did you like them? Were the boyfriends nice to you?" I asked looking at her becoming increasingly stressed.

"Boys are never nice. They are mean and tell you things that aren't true."

I sat back and looked at her demeanor. Where she was sitting up looking around the room nervously before, she was now slumped with her brow pinched together. There was something that was happening inside of her head at the moment.

"What kind of things do boys tell you?" I asked gently watching her reaction to my question.

"Just stuff." She shrugged and began chewing on her had somehow become smaller in the chair. She sat as if she were a young child about to be scolded. Though she was unsure when she first walked in, this was a far cry from what she was exhibiting before.

"Nothing specific?"

"They used to tell me I was ugly all the time. Without a lot of money I couldn't get the things that other girls had. But they didn't have to tell me that I was ugly. I didn't want to be ugly."

"Well I'm sure that they would think you are very beautiful now."

"Don't lie to me!" she screamed out in a piercing tone. With her hands over her ears she shook her head back and forth almost desperate to not hear anything else I had to say.

I sat back in the chair stunned at her outburst. I had patients that had gone from crying to throwing things across the room, but they had escalated to that point. Whether it had happened in five minutes or thirty seconds, there was a progression in emotion. All I saw with Bella was a shear outburst of anger.

"Bella, Bella look at me. Bella I'm talking to you," I called her name several times before she responded to me. "Bella, can you tell me what just happened?"

"What just happened?" her voice was confused and a bit apprehensive. Whatever was happening with her, she had had these types of epsiodes before.

"Yes Bella, tell me what happened just then. Why did you get angry?"

"I didn't get angry, I was just talking to you about my mother and being in Phoenix with her."

"Yes we were talking about that. And then you got very angry. Do you remember?" I asked her studying her face, trying to note the differences that were there.

Her muscles were now more relaxed. There was no more crease between her eyebrows, and her mouth had relaxed showing off her wonderfully full lips once more. And somehow her voice seemed slightly different. She sounded a bit more mature now then she did right before her angry outburst.

"No, I don't remember that. I just remember talking to you about my mother. I know you asked me about her boyfriends, but I didn't answer you. I didn't want to answer you. I didn't want to think about it."

"Is it a hard subject to talk about?"

"It just makes me uncomfortable." But her body language said far more than her few words. With her feet tucked under her, she looked as if she wanted to disappear into herself.

I nodded my head as I started writing notes down on my pad. "Then we won't talk about that right now. This is just a get to know you session. So tell me, what are you studying right now?"

"I am currently working on my masters in literature with a minor in creative writing."

"Sounds wonderful. How old are you?"

"Twenty five. I had to take a year off of school to save up for grad school. And when I had enough money I decided to come back here and finish off my education here. It's not too far away from my father. He got sick not too long ago and I like to be close enough to take care of him."

"Has that been hard on you? Taking care of a parent while trying to finish school can be very challenging."

She shrugged and looked back down at her hands. "I guess, but who else is going to do it. He's my dad, I have to help him."

"Why did you choose literature as your major?"

She looked at me a bit surprised by my question. I know that everyone expects that you walk into a therapists office and have all these deep, theological questions thrown at you. They all want to have some earth shattering epiphany that first day. The truth is, every patient is different. So to know what would work best for them, I get accquainted with them. I let them share bits of personal information that can be more telling than they realize. Any epiphanys that they have need to come on their own time from their own hearts and minds.

"I told you, it's just a get to know you session. I am not here to try and pry into the deepest, darkest parts of your life."

"But you're a shrink, that's what you're supposed to do. Isn't it?"

I threw my head back and roared in laughter. The way that she had said her statement with such determination. Only to end it with such uncertainty was adorable to me. She sat with wide questioning eyes wondering what she was doing in my office if I was not going to force all of secrets out of her.

I felt my breathe leave me in a rush as she let a wide smile cross her face. It seemed to light her up from the inside out, and I was beyond speechless watching it happen.

"I'm so sorry, that must have seemed like such a stupid thing to say. I let my mouth run away with me."

"It is perfectly fine. If you can't let that happen here then when can you let it happen?"

As we sat and stared at eachother from across my desk I knew then that I should have given her over to another psychiatrist in the department. Isabella Swan was going to spell major trouble for me. But everything inside of me said that I simply did not care.


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later I sat in Jaspers office doing my best to figure out what it was that I was going to tell him. If I told him that she was in much worse shape than anyone thought, I would lose her as a patient. For some reason that bothered me immensely. The idea that someone else would have access to her mind, who she was when all of her barriers were stripped down; it made me angry beyond all reason. I wanted to help Bella. I wanted to be the _only_ one to help Bella.

"Edward, have you been waiting long?" Jaspers voice carried through the room before he stepped into my line of sight.

"No, not at all. You know how I would rather be early."

"I expect that's what you said to your mother when you were born a month ahead of time."

I chuckled and waited till he sat down before speaking again. We needed to get straight to business. The problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to do. Isabella Swan was more than I could handle. But the potential to get me recognized and known with this one case alone, was more than I could pass up. She was everything that a psychiatrist would want in a patient. Perfect for a case study.

"So, tell me about Isabella Swan."

"We didn't get very far, she was uncomfortable. She was pretty sure that I would sit there asking her questions the entire time."

"Don't most people think that way when they first start therapy?"

"That is true. She's very shy so it will take some time to get her to open up, and start talking. But I think that I can do it. She seems to like me. Well, at least trust me enough to say a few things."

"Edward, she doesn't have that long. Her teacher wants her to make significant progress within the next few weeks. Something about final projects, and needing the work of the true Isabella Swan shown, or some nonsense like that."

"What?" my voice rose as I sat up straighter in my chair. "She cannot possibly expect that I—that we—that anyone can just fix a human mind in a few weeks time. I mean forty year old men are coming into me three years later still wondering why they can't stop banging their secretaries or assistants or whoever hikes their skirt up an extra inch. How can I fix this girl? An hour with her, and I already saw that she has significant trauma in her past relating to men. To just make it magically disappear is impossible!"

"I know that Edward, so please calm down. I am not expecting you to come to me in a few weeks time and tell me that you have helped her overcome her past. I am not expecting you to tell me that there has been any progress within that timeframe. I am simply telling you what her teacher expects of her. And I think that if I am going to keep you on as Ms. Swan's doctor you need to make it clear to her as well. You have a duty to help her as well as to make her academic obligations clear to her. You are a teacher as well as a doctor. Now is one of those times that you need to straddle that line and be both to her."

"Jas, that's a big order. I'm already stretched thin and I don't think that I have enough time to really spend—"

I hear myself rambling, but the words that are coming out are foreign to me. I had not wanted to give up Bella as a patient. She was intriguing and refreshing. I wanted to do everything for her, so why was I trying to give her up now?

"Edward, I transferred four small cases and three major cases over to Rosalie. She loves the workload, and how the men fall all over themselves. I have freed up your schedule immensely. You will have every afternoon to spend with her from now on. She is going to be your first priority. I want research and detailed notes. Everything that you need, and then some to make the year's best case study."

"Jasper, I don't think it would be fair to look at her simply as a case study."

"No, that would not be fair, and I am not advising you to do so. I am advising you to treat her, extensively. She will be the patient you focus on the most; and while you are doing so, get everything that you would need to write a paper and be the toast of the town."

I laughed. "What is with you and your twenties era slang?"

"I can't help it, I just love my history."

"Saturday at noon?"

"Don't be late or Alice will kill me, and then you. And don't make any other plans for that day, because you are supposed to be spending all day at the house with us and your family."

"I would never think of doing anything different."

"When is Ms. Swan scheduled to come in next?"

"Tomorrow at one. I gave her the whole afternoon. I think that it is going to take time to get her to open up to me. She seems to be very guarded about whatever it is that is making her sick like this."

"Take all the time you need with her. I want you to keep me updated every step of the way. We need to be on top of this thing."

"Of course Jasper. I'll see you on Saturday."

"Oh, Edward," Jasper called as I stood in his doorway. "Don't worry about being the best for her. You are a highly skilled doctor. Exactly what she needs."

"Thanks Jas. I'm glad you have so much faith in me."

I had always loved the relationship that Jasper and I had. We could go from business to friend's straight back to business again. There was never an air of authority about Jasper though. He ran things quietly and with gentle guidance rather than force. He had taken the job because he was better at handling bureaucratic nonsense. He could sit through hours of board meetings about budgets and long term goals and have everyone come out smiling in the end. We all loved him for the simple fact that he let us handle things as we saw best. Our patients were our own to treat how we deemed fit. He watched over the department with a gentle guiding hand. But as I was walking out of his office after our meeting, I wished that he had taken Bella away from me.

I knew that I was a skilled doctor. I could indeed treat her and help her to overcome whatever it was that was plaguing her. I had nothing to fear from that. I feared Bella herself. There was something inside of me that stirred while she was in my presence. I had never felt electricity course through my body before. Not until that petite brunette walked through my door, with her wide eyes and full lips. She had me feeling everything that I knew as a doctor I needed to fight. I had rules, boundaries that could never be crossed, and she was sick. All I saw though when I looked at her was a beautiful creature that I wanted to get know better.

"Bella, take a seat, and make yourself comfortable. We have all afternoon to talk."

She looked frightened as she walked into my office the next day. Her fear only seemed to intensify when I said that we had all afternoon. "I promise I won't be," I joked grinning a bit, trying to make her feel more at ease.

"Umm—ok, just sit anywhere right?"

"Wherever you would like best. You can lie on the couch if it would make you feel a bit more at ease. I have plenty of patients that feel better telling me intimate details while they are lying down."

"Do I have to do that? Tell you intimate details?"

"No, not at all. Therapy is what you make of it. I hope that soon enough you will feel comfortable enough talking to me that you will want to tell me the intimate details. The ones that make you who you are, what made you come here. But for right now, we'll just—talk."

"Talk, I think I can do that."

"Tell me more about your mother. How was it growing up with her?"

"It was ok I guess. I never really had a childhood like other kids did. They got their designer clothes and the best toys when they were younger. I went to thrift stores and paid the bills."

"So you were more of the parent in the relationship?"

"I think I still am. She asks me for money every so often. And sometimes I have to remind her to pay the bills. She needs a lot of help; I'm the one that she counts on."

"How did that make you feel when you were young?"

"I love my mother; I mean I wouldn't be here without her. And she loves me. You do anything you can for the people that you love."

"That's true," I agreed, noting that she had a very difficult time expressing any sort of emotion. "Love is one of the most powerful emotions there are. And it can lead people to do extraordinary or awful things. But I find with many people, that even though they love whoever they are caring for, they do not always feel good about themselves for doing what they thought was necessary."

"I didn't know another way to be. I couldn't really feel bad about anything when I didn't really know there was another way to be. I had to be the mature one growing up."

"So did you miss out on a lot having to do that?"

"Not really. I can't really dance or play sports, I'm pretty clumsy. And I don't really understand people. I mean everyone was always worrying about what they looked like, or where they were going to party on the weekends. I worried if the bills were going to be paid on time, or if out lights would be shut off again because my mother had another boyfriend that needed some money."

"Did that happen a lot? Did the boyfriends get things that they needed before you?"

"I told you I don't like boys. All they do is make fun of you. They never want to say nice things to you. They only care about themselves, the big jerks."

Bella's voice had once again taken on a juvenile quality. She had curled up into a ball on the seat and began to pout as if she weren't getting her way.

"What kind of boys made fun of you?" I asked trying to be calm and soothing. She had become child like again. I didn't want to scare her out of it though. I wanted to see where this would lead me.

"All kinds, even mommy's boyfriends. They weren't supposed to stay over, but they did anyway. I wasn't pretty like mommy. That's what some of them said anyway."

"What about others? Where any of them nice to you?"

"No, they said they were nice, but I didn't feel nice. I don't wanna talk about it."

"It's ok, you can talk me," I said trying to keep her calm. Her face was beginning to flush and I knew that she would be getting angry soon. "Can you tell me how they tried to be nice to you?"

"No, I said I don't wanna talk about it. Boys are bad, they're bad, bad, bad," she screeched out throwing her hands over her ears once again.

"Ok, I'm sorry you're right. Boys are bad, I know, I'm one of them. And I teased a lot of girls when I was growing up."

"You did?" she asked looking at me as if she truly were a child.

"Yes, I did. But I only teased them because I really liked them. I was scared of girls when I was younger. I didn't want them to know that I liked them."

"Well that's just silly. Girls aren't scary. We can't even do anything when you wanna like us."

"How do you mean?" I asked.

She sat there quietly looking past me to the bookshelves I kept lined against the wall. "I love classic literature," she said after a few minutes.

"Then we have something I common," I replied going with the change in topic. She had begun talking normally and calmly once again. And I was near certain that she had remembered nothing of what had just transpired.

"It's just so simple and pure. The author wanted to make a point so they did. It's almost as if they made everything happen while nothing was really happening. Like Jane Austen novels. Not much happens in them. Girl and boy meet, they find themselves split up for a while and then they end up together once they realize how in love they are. All the plots are essentially the same but you can't help getting lost in the story. You want to see the poor female end up happily ever after. You need to know that somewhere, someone believed that life was better than all of—this," she said motioning around her.

"That's a very romantic way of looking at it. I myself love reading the classics so I can see how we as a society have evolved from one era to another."

"That's a very—doctoral thing to say."

I smiled and nodded my head slightly. "I guess that it is. Literature does move me. Anyone that can create any form of art is a special type of person. To be able to create something that can last centuries, and still speak to people is amazing."

"I like that thinking," Bella said happily smiling.

I know that I should get her back on topic. There is so much to talk about. So many things that need to be discussed. An hour into our session and I still hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of what was wrong with her. The only thing that I wanted to think about though was how beautiful she looked while she was smiling.

"I don't think many people truly appreciate how hard it is to create. There are so many authors and artists and muscicians that never get recognized; but they keep struggling and don't give up because they love it that much. I never had that kind of determination."

"So you don't want to be an author?"

"No, I thought about it once, but I don't have that much to say. I just want to be able to help people make the best books that they can."

"Why do you think it is that you don't have much to say?" I asked her. As much as I wanted to know everything about her, I needed to be her doctor first and foremost.

"Nothing really interesting ever happened to me. I grew up alone. What can I write about when nothing has happened to me?"

"I think that everyone has something to say. It might not be the most interesting, but we all have a story. What's your story?"

"I told you I don't have one."

"What about friends? Did you have any good friends growing up?"

"Not until I moved to Forks. My mom just got this new boyfriend, and I was old enough to give her the time and space that she really wanted so I moved in with my dad. That's when I first started making friends."

"Who were those friends?"

"Were you sociable Dr. Cullen?"

"Excuse me?" I asked startled by her sudden question.

"Were you sociable? Did you go out a lot, have many friends?"

"Not particularly. I stayed close to my family, and I had a few friends but not many. I was very shy," I admitted giving her a small smile. "I don't admit that to many people."

"Why not?"

"Because I am not normally asked about my life during a patient's session. Plus the fact that no one really wants to know that their doctor was a shy, gangly teen that was insecure and introverted. They want to believe that doctors are superheroes. It makes them feel better thinking that their therapist always had a handle on their lives."

"I think I can understand that. I mean it isn't very realistic. Who can really be secure and know who they are when they are in high school?"

"What about you Bella? What were you like in high school?"

"I don't know. I was pretty much the same I guess. I don't really like change so this is it for me. I'm still awkward. I haven't made many new friends, and I don't know how to. I told you that I don't think I relate to them very well."

I kept quiet as I made notes on my pad and tried to find a new approach. There was only so far that she was willing to go. There was only so much that she would tell me before she would shut down or become someone different.

"You said that you love literature, how do you feel about music?" I asked. I watched as her eyes went wide with surprise. I had thrown her for a loop just like I had hoped. Her most genuine answers where when I had taken her by surprise; if I were going to see anything else from her I needed her guard dropped.

"I love music. My mother always had music playing in the house. I always loved the classical music the best."

"Why is that?"

"Her taste in music would change with the newest boyfriend. The younger they were the heavier and crazier the rock music got. Classical music always played whenever she was just being herself. There were no pretenses, no boyfriends to worry about. Just me and her."

"Did you like it when it was just you and her?"

"Umm, I guess so."

I sighed and leveled her with my gaze. I understood that many people felt funny about needing therapy. People usually feel that only really crazy people need therapy. That is, until they are sitting in my office spilling their lives to me to understand why they feel unhappy. In a nation where everything is available to us, we are never truly happy, or satisfied. And it is when people realize this that they wind up in my office.

"Bella have you ever tried therapy before?"

"Once."

"What happened with that?"

"I—well I—I stopped going. She was this really old lady, and she was alright I guess. Then one day she says that I'm more troubled than _she _even realized and that she wanted to do more extensive therapy."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I was actually really confused. I had never really talked to her about anything other than how I felt a little lonely sometimes. But when I would go in there she would start asking me questions like she didn't know who I was. I thought that maybe she was going a little senile."

"Do you still feel that way?"

"I don't think so. I mean, with her it was really weird but then it started happening again."

"When?" I asked trying to mask my eagerness. This was the most that she had opened up to me. If I could get her to tell me just a bit more, I might be able to fully understand what was happening to her.

"When I started grad school. I was doing pretty well in all my classes and then all of a sudden my teachers are handing me back papers that I don't remember writing. They don't even read like me. Every one of my teachers says that every author has a unique style and voice. But I would get things back that I would never write in my right mind. Some I would ace, and others I would have to redo all over again because they were off topic, or just mixed up and written like it was by a seven year old. I just thought that it was stress. I was working full time and then going to school and doing my homework all night. It didn't bother me too much that I couldn't remember every assignment. After a while they all start to blur together anyway.

"What happened with your teacher that sent you here?"

"Umm, we have been working on our dissertations in class. She would go around and talk to us about our topic and what we needed to focus more attention to. She kept saying that one day I would be on point, I knew what I needed to do, and then the next day, I would be—well different."

"What kind of different was she talking about?"

"Sometimes I would be angry and disruptive. Other times I would be overly flirtatious to the guys around me. I don't know—I guess it was just stress."

"Was there anything else that happened to have you sent here?" I asked her knowing that I was pushing her. I could feel her pulling back into herself. She had told me what I needed to know because she felt obligated. She did not feel safe and comfortable with me.

"My notes—they were just different that's all."

"Bella, how do you feel about this happening to you?"

"I'm scared. I can't really understand it. I mean my life wasn't really all that much different from everyone else. I don't know what's going on in my own head, and that's scary."

"I'm going to make can you a deal right now. If you stick with me, and can learn to trust me enough to really open up to me, I will do everything I can to make you feel better." I stared into her eyes and saw just how fearful she was. She had nothing to hide behind, and for a moment I wanted to know what that felt like.

I had hidden for years, behind family, behind work, behind hundreds of excuses that kept me single and unattached. I had never been able to stand in front of someone and simply say, "This is who I am. Take me or leave me." I had been cowardly with the few women that I truly thought could be something special to me. I had worked and kept my distance until they wanted out of the relationship. In truth, none of them were truly right for me, but they could have been more than what they were. I could have been heartbroken, or desperately in love for a short time. Instead I sat inside my office cowering under the idea that I would have to share myself with someone.

"I promise Bella, I am going to take care of you," I said softly, not fully understanding why I said it. But it was still true. This poor creature needed help, and I could not ignore that.

"Dr. Cullen, I don't really know what I'm doing here. The other lady she would just tell me that the way I act certain things needed to have happened to me. She never believed me when I said that it never happened."

"How do you mean Bella?"

"She thought that I was a liar, she thought that I just walked into her office and said whatever sounded good. The old hag just wanted to make _me _believe that all of these horrible things happened to me growing up."

"Bella?" I asked cautiously. She had thrown herself back in her chair and flung one arm out. Her eyes had shifted to the ceiling and a lazy frown was placed on her face. Her hair had moved from being placed neatly behind her to falling all around her face and eyes.

"Who else would it be? What, are you gonna start doing me in like that old lady? Never did like her at all, but I couldn't do anything about it. Not until she scared me off with all of that intensive therapy crap that didn't make any sense."

"I am not trying to do anything," I said writing furiously on my notepad. Whoever was sitting in front of me now wasn't Bella. She had dropped her voice an octave and sounded like she had been living in the inner city slums all of her life. "All I want to do is talk to you. Is that ok?"

"Sure, I guess that'd be ok. I mean, as long as you aren't gonna start with all that 'you need therapy' talk. It's such a waste of time."

"Do you mind, if I ask your name?"

"I told you its Bella, you've seen me before, what are you stupid?"

"I have indeed met Bella before, and I know that you are not her. You look like her, but you're not her."

"How would you know, you've seen me for what like thirty seconds? There ain't no way that you can all of a sudden know."

I smirked at her keeping eye contact which seemed to bother her immensely. "What's your name?"

"Trey," she said angrily. "I never told anybody that before. She's not gonna like it, and I try to not do too many things she don't like. But she's so friggin stuck up all the time. I mean how am I gonna know that none of her teachers are gonna find my stories funny? All them gangsta's shootin' each other up. I think it's funny. Kinda stereotypical and whatever, but I think it's funny."

"Trey? Is that short for anything?"

"Tracy, but I don't like that name at all. How'd you even know that we was different people?"

"Bella has better grammar. And she doesn't always have her hair in her face like that. I can see you in there. Other people just don't look hard enough."

"You ain't gotta tell me that."

"So where did you come from?" I asked trying to stay calm and positive. Inside I was scared and celebrating at the same time. Every initial hunch about this girl was right. She was dissociating from any situation that had her uncomfortable. She was going to be the biggest case that had ever come across my desk, and the opportunities for advancement were endless.

"She can't ever get mad at her dad for all the crap that he pulls. Sick or not, that old man is something else. He tries to be nice to her, but when he can't she sends me in. I don't do nothing too bad, just tell him to shut his mouth."

"So, you come in when she feels angry?"

"Nah, I come in when she wants to tell people how angry she is. I was around for a long time when she first came back into town, but now it's not so much. She don't really get pissed off as much as she used to. Guess she's coming to terms or however you doctor people would put it."

I laughed and nodded. Even when Bella was bringing out a different part of her personality she was still putting me in a different class of people. She seemed to have some notion that I was better than she was because I was a doctor. "Can you tell me anything else Trey?" I asked her

"Don't ask me, she'll get mad if I tell."

"Please Trey, I need your help. Bella is very afraid to talk about anything, and I need someone who will tell me what I need to know. You can help her get better."

Before I knew what was happening, Bella was standing in front of me holding a letter opener, her chest heaving in anger. "I told you, she'll get mad. Don't ask me nothing, I can't tell you!"

"Ok, I apologize, I am very sorry. You do not have to tell me anything that you are uncomfortable with."

I sat as still as I could watching her hand shake and listening to her breath begin to even out. I had dealt with many volatile patients, but I had never been as calm as I was watching Bella stand in front of me. No matter who she was, or what she was acting like, I felt perfectly at ease with her. This tiny little woman, as angry as she got was good down to the very core of her, and I could not see her hurting me in any way. I trusted her. I had no real reason to, but I trusted her with all of my being.

"Dr. Cullen? What—what happened?" Bella asked looking around my office. She gasped loudly when she saw the letter opener in her hand. It dropped with a loud clang as it fell from her hand onto the floor. "Why did I—I'm so sorry, I should go."

"Bella, please relax. You did nothing wrong."

"I don't understand what's going on with me."

I got up from my desk and walked around to wrap my arms around her. I waited for a few minutes as she sobbed into my shoulder. I had never known what it would feel like to be lost inside my own head. There was no way that I could understood what she would be going through. But something deep inside of me felt so pained listening to her crying. She was lost, and confused. And the only thing that could help would be having some answers.

"I'm sorry for ruining your jacket, Dr. Cullen."

I stepped back and looked into her red, puffy eyes. "I can get it dry cleaned, don't worry about it. Please, call me Edward."

"I don't know if I should—"

"Bella, what we need to establish right now is a friendship. I know that you don't feel comfortable with doctors. Especially ones that start telling you that you either need to do more therapy or that you need to be honest about your past. What we are going to do is become friends. You and I are not going to sit here and act like you are some sort of sick person. You and me, we're just going to be two people that like to talk about anything."

I took of my blazer and threw it on the coat rack that stood in my office. "Let's go for a walk. It's too nice to be stuck inside this little office."

I watched as a small smile broke across her face. She was still unsure, but that small smile was all I needed to know that she would follow my lead without arguing.

"Lauren," I said opening the office door and calling across the office. "I will be out of my office for the rest of the afternoon. Hold my calls unless it's Jasper."

"Sir, you have another appointment at four," she said almost whining.

"I'll be back by then, thank you. Please just let me know if Jasper calls. Other than that, I will be back by four. Come on Bella, let's get some lunch."


	3. Chapter 3

I sat back onto the lounge chair and enjoyed the small bit of sun that was peeking through. Alice had of course gone out of her way to make even the smallest of family get togethers into a grand party. It was simply her nature to go above and beyond to make sure that people not only had a good time at her house, but had a whole experience to take away with them.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto the patio chair. I had been researching all night long. My first instinct was to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. I knew however that Alice would very likely hunt me down and break me in half if I hadn't shown up.

Bella was proving to be a more complicated and difficult case than I could have ever begun to imagine. I tried to think of other things besides her, but she haunted me. With my eyes open or closed all that I saw were her large, sad brown eyes. They seemed to be trying to read into my very soul every time she gazed my way. I wanted nothing more than to help her get better. Something about her made me want to protect her and make her life better. She was struggling to keep herself together but never said a word. She was drowning under all of her responsibility and secrets; and she never so much as asked for a hand out.

How was I supposed to treat someone who was so closed off that she had no idea what was happening in her own head? How could I make her any better when I could not get her to open up to me even the slightest bit?

"Edward, it is so strange to see you not buried behind a large stack of books or files," the high soft voice of Alice floated through the air to me like wind chimes.

"I had it on good authority that if I were to do anything like that I was going to be in very big trouble," I said chuckling.

"You were told correctly. I'm about to have a baby soon and all you want to do is work."

I opened my eyes to see the pout that I knew was now on her face. She had been left alone by her family so long ago that family was all that mattered to her.

"Alice, I don't want to work like I do, but my boss is a slave driver," I say smiling and winking at her. "I know that I haven't been around much, my case load is just crazy."

"No one other than you makes it that way," Jasper's voice cuts through my own as he called through the sliding door. "I'm always telling you to take a vacation, but your response is to add another patient."

"Jas, the college needs the recognition, and I have nothing better to do with my time. If I'm going to be alone and bored, I may as well listen to a middle aged man whine about how he cannot stop fantasizing about his assistant while his wife is at home trying to work off the forty pounds of baby weight she has never bothered to lose until now."

"Edward, how you can be a psychiatrist and have such views of your patients are beyond me," Alice says sitting beside me. "You know I have plenty of friends that would just love to be set up with a young, handsome man just like yourself."

"Alice, I mean no offense when I say this, but most of your friends act like vapid twits. They seem to think that all I care about is if they come from money, and if their butts look good enough in their favorite pair of skinny jeans."

"I have some other women that you haven't met yet. They aren't all brainless, and not their fault that every other man they meet is interested in those things."

"I know this is hard for you to believe dear, sweet Alice, but I am fine. I know that everyone else in the family has found their matches, and you want me to have what you have but I don't need that. I am happy with my family, and my career."

Alice opened up her mouth to begin arguing with me. She knew that I loved my family and that they made up a large part of who I was. She still believed that I needed more. That part of me was always asleep, waiting for someone to come along and awaken it. I didn't know what she meant by that. I had everything that I needed around me at that very moment. My family was, loving and supportive, even when I did not deserve it or they did not want to be. They were my world, and I had a rewarding, challenging job. How many people got to wake up excited and feeling like they made a difference? True I wasn't always excited, and most of my clients had humdrum lives with humdrum problems. At the end of the day though I knew that they went home a bit clearer, and able to live their lives happier than when they came in.

"Alice, darling, leave Edward alone. Not everyone thinks like you." Jasper sat next to Alice and placed his hand on her trying to soothe her.

"Well, they should."

"Edward is a big boy; he can decide what he wants to do for himself."

"Edward is also right here," I said slightly annoyed. It had become a habit of my family to discuss my life as if I had no say or weren't sitting next to them. "I know that everyone thinks I should be something different than what I am, but I'm happy, and that's all that should matter."

"Oh Edward, I didn't mean that it doesn't matter. Of course that is what matters; I just know that there's so much more that you have to give. You deserve someone magnificent."

"I don't need anyone, I have everything I need." My eyes met Alice's and note that she had started tearing up. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I had forgotten how sensitive Alice was during her pregnancy. "Forgive me Alice; I shouldn't have been so harsh. I'm not angry with you. I just don't see why everyone feels like I need to be married and have children to live a full life."

"Edward, tell me how things are going with Bella?"

"Oh Jasper, not work talk," Alice whined walking back inside to answer the knock that had sounded at the door.

I laughed as I watched her walk away knowing that we only had a few moments before we needed to move on or entertain her with what we were talking about.

"Quickly," Jasper whispered chuckling under his breath.

"It's more difficult than I anticipated. She's very guarded and closed off. She truly believes that all of these 'family secrets' she holds inside has to stay that way. It's a strange case of loyalty even though they aren't around her anymore. I try to get her to realize that she won't have to give me names or specific details. That I just need something from her to understand better and help her."

"And?"

"I'm getting nowhere. It's been a week and I know nothing more about her than I did on the first day."

"Edward!" The large booming voice of Emmet fills up the patio as his large frame appears in the doorway. "Long time man."

I get up and greet Emmet as I see Rosalie come in right behind him. "Did the two of you come together?" I ask shifting my eyes between the two of them.

"Nah, she just pulled up right when I did. She hasn't insulted me yet today," he replied sounding hopeful.

"So things are getting a bit better huh?" I asked laughing and walking over to Rosalie. "How are you today Rose?"

"Not any better now that I have all of your old patients. Three of them tried hitting on me the very first session."

"Well, I'm sure you put them in their place. You always did have bigger balls than any man I've met."

I watched her face as she went from surprised to angry. She was tough, but hated when anyone implied that she wasn't a woman. Everything from the way she walked to how she dressed was soft and feminine. She loved looking beautiful and knowing men were staring at her.

"So, Eddie," Emmet yelled across the patio not bothering to wait until we were all seated. "I heard something pretty interesting yesterday."

"From whom?" I asked sitting next to him hoping to get him to lower his voice.

"Jessica, who talks to Lauren. They're bff's," he said making his deep voice go as high as it could.

"Lauren is a very large gossip. What is it that she was talking about this time?"

"You and a patient. She's telling anyone that will listen that you've got some kind of relationship with this new patient."

I saw Jasper sit up straighter in his chair and narrow his gaze toward me. I looked at Emmet and saw that he was smirking but was indeed telling the truth. "When did you hear this from Jessica?" I asked, knowing that my voice was like stone.

"Couple days ago. I don't believe it of course. I mean come on your Mr. Rules and regulations."

"Edward, are you seeing her?" Jasper asked in that tone of voice that told me he was no longer family but my boss.

"Of course not Jasper," I said outraged. "You know that I would never compromise the department like that. I may not be the head of the department but you know that I want it to succeed more than anyone else there."

"I have to ask Edward. Family or not, I simply can't ignore such an implication."

"Jasper, Lauren is a petty jealous little girl. I turned her down many times when she started working with me, and now she's just taking her anger out by starting this rumor."

"Even a rumor can damage everything that all of us in the department are working for. Do you know why she would start such a rumor?"

I looked down and knew that I had to tell the truth. I was going about treating Bella in an unorthodox way, and Jasper would not be happy about it. "I took her out of the office the last two sessions that we had."

"You what? Why would you do that? Do you know what can happen because of this?" Rosalie's angry voice cut through the silence before anyone else.

"I didn't do anything inappropriate with her."

"It doesn't matter! If the department looks clueless then everything that I worked so hard to get published is going to be discounted. I worked too hard to get my career to this point to have some brainless idiot ruin it!"

"Believe it or not Rosalie, this has nothing to do with you. And I can assure you that it won't affect you at all."

"And how would you know that Edward? Can you see into the future?"

"If anything happens, I will take all the blame, it will go no farther."

"You don't know that!"

I grabbed the arms of the chair, gripping them tight to keep myself in the chair. Rosalie was overreacting and thinking only of herself which was normal. But after hearing that my assistant was spreading nasty rumors about me the last thing that I was focusing on was how she felt.

"Alright, Rose just calm down." I watched her eyes cut from me to Emmet. She stared at him hard trying to intimidate him. I wanted to laugh loudly as I watched him stare at her calmly with a small smile on his face. "If anyone needs to rip Edward a new one it's Jasper. Besides, you're too hot for anyone to discredit your work. Half the time they stare at your picture for an hour before reading the first sentence. Your work stands on its own, no one can ruin it."

"Thank you Emmet," Jasper said calmly waiting for everyone to relax a bit before he started to speak again. "Rose, you have nothing to worry about. Emmet is right, all of your case studies are meticulous and nothing that happens with Edward will reflect on you. But, Edward this could be a problem. What's been happening?"

"Nothing Jasper, I swear. She wasn't comfortable in my office. I couldn't get her to open up. She had all of these expectations of what was going to happen and it was getting in the way of the sessions. All that I did was take her outside for some fresh air. We walked around the campus and then straight back to my office."

"Edward there are boundaries, rules, they are there for a reason."

"Jasper, I am doing what is best for the patient."

"You can never forget what is best for the department though."

I stared at Jasper for what seemed like hours as I tried to figure out what everyone wanted from me. He had told me to help Bella. That was what I was trying to do. I had no other thought in my head other than wanting to figure out what was going on inside her complex mind.

"So, what exactly are you trying to say?" I asked coldly feeling all eyes staring at me.

"I am saying that my family's well being rests upon this department doing well and living up to the reputation that we are working so hard to build." He leaned in closely, as his eyes turned an icy blue. "I will not let anything ruin that Edward."

"Jas, she's the most interesting patient to walk into our department. If you want to build a top notch department, this is how you are going to do it!" I argued not understanding why I was being reprimanded for doing my job.

"Not if you mess this up Edward. We are doctors, we do not cross the line into friendship or anything that remotely resembles it."

"And why not?" I asked seething in my chair. My eyes cut to Alice quickly whose face was filled with surprise and worry. I took a deep breath trying to remember that Jasper was family to me. He had made my cousin immensely happy, and had acted like a brother to me the moment that I met him. He had however paid for his education with eight year in the military. And he still carried around his regimented war-like mentality.

"Why can't we be friends to the patients that need them the most?" I spoke softly trying to keep myself calm. "She won't be able to get better unless I befriend her."

"How can you be saying things like this? You, Edward, have always followed the rules, more than anyone else here. You live and die by boundaries and regulations."

"Yes, Jasper I do. There are lines that should never be crossed. And there is a list a mile long of things that I will not do. I assure you though, that this is not one of them. I have rules to make sure that I can make sense of all the things that I cannot make sense of. If a patient gets violent I refer them to someone with more experience in whatever area the patient is suffering from. If I am overbooked I refer the least volatile patient to someone else. So why am I not allowed to say that if I have a patient who needs a friend more than a doctor that I am going to be their friend more than their doctor? We are here to help people the best that we can. It's not a cut and dry medicine that we practice. Leeway has to be given to learn and adapt with our patient."

"It's a charming speech Edward, but it's too dangerous. If this case goes wrong it could affect the entire department. We have all worked too long and hard to have it thrown away. We need to make sure that this goes no further."

"What do you mean by that Jasper?" I asked him knowing that my tone sounded menacing. Things were escalating quickly, and I could not understand why.

"She's going to have to leave Edward. She can't be treated here."

"No," I let my voice ring out loudly. I have six eyes staring at me confused and angry. All except Alice, who has a look of compassion on her face. "If I transfer her to someone now she will never open up again. She's having trouble talking to me; she's just starting to trust me. We can't ruin that!"

"I have no choice Edward."

"There's always a choice Jasper. I won't let you get in the way of this girls treatment."

"Are you going to stop me?"

I stared at Jasper's hardened eyes wondering what was happening. Jasper had always been my voice of reason. He had never shown me this side of himself before. I felt the anger that was radiating off of him and it was beginning to affect me.

"Just try me," I said to him leaning forward knowing that we were getting deadly close to a true fist fight.

"Alright, that's enough," Alice said stepping in between us. I felt her small hand pressing against my chest as I forced myself to calm down. "I know that everyone is on edge and surprised but this isn't such a bad thing."

I looked at Jasper quickly seeing his jaw harden before I turned my attention back to Alice.

"No rules have been broken and Edward is treating her the way that he should be. I don't see what the big deal is. Besides, it would mean another friend around here."

"Alice you won't be meeting her," I said firmly. I look around and feel like I should be hearing the theme from The Twilight Zone. Jasper is staring at me with hard eyes like a general disciplining his insubordinate private. Alice is nearly vibrating in place with some sort of happy excitement that I cannot understand. And Emmet is gently rubbing Rosalie's shoulders doing his best to keep her calm. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose wishing desperately that my parents would show up already. They would know the right way to solve this whole mess. Jasper would calm down instantly and someone could keep Rosalie from ripping off my head.

"Why Edward? You said that you were treating her like a friend. Can't I meet your friends?"

"I said that I was treating her more like a friend than a patient. Meaning that I'm not staring at her from across a desk in a small office asking her inane questions that she won't answer. I am still her doctor; and as such there will be no socializing outside of our sessions."

"That isn't fair Edward. She sounds marvelous; I just know that we could be friends."

"I haven't said anything about her Alice, how would you know?"

"Anyone that can break the rigid Edward Cullen's routine is someone worth knowing. Whether she's going through a hard time or not."

"Who's breaking Edwards routine?" A soft feminine voice floats through the patio door before I see my parents in the doorway.

"No one is breaking anything," I say standing up to greet them both.

"This isn't over Edward. I can't just let this go."

"Do not do anything rash Jasper. I will be right there waiting for you."

"What is this now?" The normally soft gentle voice of my father was stern and hard. Saved only for times of anger or severe disappointment.

"Simply a work disagreement Carlisle," Jasper answers smoothly. "Edward is applying some methods that I am not too happy about."

"It does not mean that you get to pull my patient because of it. It's working, she's starting to talk to me; that is all that should matter. Try to take her to another doctor and you will have problems."

"Edward," Alice's voice goes up an octave with her surprise. I had never gone against any family members. They were the only ones that were there every time something went wrong. But this felt so wrong to me.

Bella needed my help, and I had to give it to her. I had to be the one to make sure that she was getting better, and seeing her through this traumatic experience.

"I'm sorry, I should go. This is not going well, and I think that maybe we need some time to just cool off. Thank you so much Alice for putting this all together and I'm sorry that I could not stay longer. I just need—I—good bye everyone." I sat in my car stunned into silence. How was it that this one silly, little girl could have such a large affect on me? I had never talked to my family in such a manner, or even thought of fighting with Jasper. We were always so close that I knew his thoughts before he voiced them. And no one was better at reading my moods then he was.

I sat there thinking about whether I would actually go through on my threat of stopping him if he were to try to take Bella elsewhere. Could I actually do it? I pictured myself determined to simply change his mind. That I could see. But would I really be willing to fight for her? It seemed that I would be. The moment that the words left my lips I knew that they were absolutely true. Something about Bella drew me to her and I could not simply turn back now. I had to see it through to the end whether good or bad.

The thought was still on my mind when Bella walked into my office on Monday. She seemed calm on the outside; but I knew those to be the days that there were the most struggles internally.

"Good afternoon Bella," I said giving her half a smile trying to make it feel genuine. It did not seem to work well. Her eyes narrowed into slits and she sat hard in her seat staring at me for a long moment. "How are you doing today?"

"What's wrong with you?"

I looked at her body posture and tried to figure out who I was speaking to today. A switch like this had never happened so quickly and I was a bit thrown by what was happening.

"Nothing, I am perfectly fine."

"Don't LIE! I hate liars. All they do is tell you stories and then go back on all of 'em. Like her mom. It was always some new story, and some big adventure. It was all a load of crap, it was always a load of crap. But I could feel it deep down inside her, the hope. She wanted it to be true, but I was always telling her, it ain't gonna happen. She didn't wanna listen to me though, they never wanna listen to me."

"Hello Trey, how have you been?"

"Alright I guess. I mean, I've just been sitting around watching everything happen. Bella's steamin' though. She got chewed out by her professor just now and she came in all ready to bury it."

"So then why are you here talking to me?" I asked sitting back in my chair watching as she chewed on her fingernails.

"She don't wanna bury stuff like this no more. She's tired of being a little wallflower, she just can't do it yet, so I'm here doing it for her. Wuss."

"Trey, don't say such things," I admonished lightly. "Bella has had a very hard time coming to terms with a lot of her life. If you have been there for her you must know that she had to do this to survive. It is not her fault."

"Yeah, whatever. Sorry, I guess."

I smile and nod my head. "That's the best I can hope for," I said smiling to let her know I was teasing.

Her face relaxed into a smile as she began to sit up straighter in her chair. "It's good to see you smile Dr. Cullen. You are always looking way too serious when I see you."

"Thank you Bella. I assure you if I do look serious it is because I only want to give you the utmost attention. I very much want to help you."

The blush crept up her neck into her cheeks as she ducked her head avoiding eye contact. I was grateful for that. It afforded me the chance to stare at how beautiful she was when she blushed. I had not admitted it to any, not even myself; but Bella was a stunningly beautiful woman. My attraction for her was only growing every time I talked to her.

"You're always so proper. You talk like you were raised in the early nineteen hundreds."

"Boarding school and coming from old money will do that to you."

"I don't know anything about money. My dad was a cop and my mom is a teacher. I only knew that we had enough to pay the bills every month."

"Each have their own burdens."

"Dr. Cullen, what are we doing during these sessions? I mean, I know that we're talking and you want me to feel comfortable and everything, which I do. I just don't know what's going on besides that."

"What do you mean Bella?"

"You don't treat me like a regular patient. I know people who have been to your office before, and they have never once been on a walk with you, or had you speak to them about yourself."

"You, Bella, are the only one that has ever asked. And I walk with you because you are not a regular patient. I firmly believe that every patient needs to have a different course of treatment. Yes what I am doing with you is a bit unorthodox. That however does not overshadow what you need from your doctor in the long term though."

"So you aren't breaching any ethics?"

"I assure you that my ethics are not in violation of any kind. Now tell me about your day."

"Can we go talk outside? It feels a little too stuffy in here."

I smile and stand up, not hesitating at all. "C'mon let's blow this joint," I laugh grabbing my jacket. I catch her smile and blush again when I look at her.

As I stood there looking at her blush I knew that I could no longer deny what was happening inside me. Bella Swan was now my life. I would give up everything I had to be with her. And the realization did not scare me one bit. It surrounded me and wrapped me in its warmth like a soft blanket. I would not be able to act on my feelings; there were too many obstacles in the way. That hardly mattered; I would be able to love her from afar. I would watch after her and protect her from the things that most upset her. She would be my world, and I felt happier inside just knowing that.


	4. Chapter 4

"Dr. Cullen, can I ask you something?"

I turned to face Bella watching her soaking up the few rays of sunlight that were trying to poke through the dense cloud coverage of Seattle. I had to work hard to fight to keep the smile off my face that wanted to appear. She looked so peaceful and innocent; not at all the troubled girl that stepped into my office every other day.

There was something so fundamentally good about her that it put me at ease. She was not there to try and pursue a relationship with me, she wasn't going to disappoint me and let me down. The end of what we had would undoubtedly end in tragedy. Until then though, I knew that she would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, or go after the legacy that the Cullen name held.

"What would you like to ask me Bella?" I found myself holding my breath and hoping for some sort of breakthrough. I hadn't spoken to Jasper in a week. He had left me to myself letting me do what I thought was necessary. But I knew that if I did not get some progress very quickly he would pull me from the case. He would cite that I had become emotionally attached, and could not form unbiased opinions on what she needed most. And at this point I could not truthfully argue him.

I should be pushing Bella to open up more, to tell me the things that had brought her to this point. I knew that she needed intensive therapy and counseling, I just could not bring myself to get her to that point. Knowing that it would cause her pain made my heart break. I should be telling her that nothing will get fixed unless she trusts me completely. She did not need to be treated with kid gloves to get any better and yet that was all that I could do with her. Everything from her soft voice to her delicate features demanded that she be treated with gentility. Someone else would not see that. They would not see the deep, soul filled eyes that held a lifetime of sorry, or how her shoulders slouched when she knew she had to go and care for her father. They would not care that she had been doing all she could to keep her life together while dealing with this. All they would see was another case number, and a published paper. They would dig deep, making her cry, hurt and face everything that went overlooked. They would not feel emotion as she cried. And even though it might have been what she needed I firmly believed that she needed me—my form of therapy- more than what others say she did.

"My teacher pulled me aside and said that you had a talk with her. She just wanted to tell me that she was giving me a bit more time to finish my assignments even though she wasn't pleased about it. What exactly did you say to her?"

I smiled and had to keep my hand clenched on the park bench to not straighten out the worry lines that were creasing her forehead.

"I had a professional talk with your teacher about my patient. I told her that it was both unprofessional and uncaring to attack a student the way that she did you last week. I explained to her that you are suffering from an illness and that needed to be understood rather than ignored, or treated rashly. I also told her that if she continued to harass you in the manner that she had been that I would be inclined to report it to the dean. We have family dinners together quite often," I said to her smiling.

Her teacher had indeed been telling Bella every step of the way that Bella's work was unacceptable. And after reading it over, I could not have disagreed any more. In every paper handed in I could tell if it was truly Bella or one of her personalities that were writing the paper. The one thing always remained the same though, her talent was undeniable. Some papers were focused on anger or rage, others on a form of religious devotion, but they all had a distinct voice that belonged only to Bella. The professor could not have been less cooperative in accepting that sometimes mental illness was indeed legitimate and Bella was indeed suffering. It was then, seeing that she would not ease up on Bella, believing her to be faking all that was happening, that I had brought up the dean.

It was something that I hated doing. My father had always had a very intimate relationship with the dean. They had interned together years ago and had kept in close contact. It was something that very few of my colleagues knew about. I avoided it as much as possible not wanting people to believe I had gotten my job here because of my connections. But as I watched this woman's skeptical face I knew that I would get nowhere. Her eyes held not the slightest bit of remorse or concern for Bella. She had graded the poor girl harshly because there was something about Bella that she simply did not like. And as I commented on Bella's obvious talent I watched her flinch and sneer. It was in that moment that it dawned upon me. If the professor gave Bella the attention she deserved for her work, she would be over shadowed in an instant. Her own short comings would be magnified within herself knowing that her student had more raw talent than she did.

I had not hesitated to tell her that I would bring all my concerns to the dean. And I had taken great pleasure in seeing her squirm and begin to sweat under the threat of being censured or losing her job.

"You didn't have to do that. At least not for me."

Her voice was so quiet that I had to lean in a bit closer to hear her. I couldn't understand where all of her trepidation was stemming from.

"Of course I did Bella. You were sent to me for academic purposes, staying in touch with your teachers is one of the requirements I have to fulfill."

"Right, of course, you had to do that," she said sounding almost disappointed.

"It was my great pleasure though, to tell her that she would be reported if her attitude towards you did not change. You are genuinely sick Bella, and you are going to need a lot of help for a very long time. But that doesn't mean that it won't get better. It simply means that you are going to need to do some very hard work."

"How can I do that when I don't even know what's going on with me? I lose chunks of time; I write and say things that I don't remember doing. My father looks at me like I'm at least three different people, and he never knows which one is coming for him. But I don't get any of it. I'm just me, and I love my dad and I do everything I can to do the best work I know how. I feel like I'm possessed and I just can't control anything around me."

I turned and faced forward not wanting Bella to see the elation on my face while she was finally starting to break her walls down. She had finally begun fully giving in to her problems. She did not need to understand them, or name them right now. I just needed her to acknowledge them. I needed her to know that I was not there to judge, or to project something on her that wasn't there.

"It's like the harder that I try to control myself, the worse that it gets. I feel angry and I can't remember what happens next. If a guy tries to hit on me I feel myself acting different. I feel myself wanting to either curl into a ball and cry like a little kid, or flirt with him. Neither of those is me. I don't know how to flirt—at all. I never do it, never think about doing it. And then the fear that grips me is something so frightening and uncontrollable. What is happening to me?"

I turned to look at her big eyes that were filled with tears threatening to spill over. I had a decision to make that had to be done quickly. If I told her everything that was wrong with her, would it help or hinder what had just been accomplished?

"Bella," I said her name quietly wanting to be comforting with my words when I knew that anything more was off limits. "I know that you are scared. What you're going through, I cannot imagine going through myself. I just need to ask one thing of you, and if you agree you need to listen to me on everything that I say to you." I waited until her sniffles slowed down and she eventually nodded. "I need you to trust me as your doctor. Thus far you have trusted me as a friend. We walk and talk together about nothing terribly important. I understand that it is what you need at this time. And we will not stop that," I added quickly watching the terror build in her eyes. "Now, I need you to start trusting me as a doctor. I have nothing but your best interest at heart and I know that you are scared. I am not trying to pressure you, but we cannot go any further until you are ready to trust me as your doctor."

I watched as she stared at me with wide eyes trying to keep the tears from coming. I sat anxiously too afraid to speak; too afraid to see which side of Bella would be confronting me when she finally decided to speak.

"I think that I can do that," she said quietly not breaking eye contact with me. It seemed like she was trying to convey something to me. Like she wanted me to understand whatever it was that was happening inside of her. All that I could see though was a terrified young woman who looked she was going to break to pieces if the wind blew just right.

"Thank you." I stood up from the bench and held out my hand waiting for her to take it.

"Where are we going to go?"

"We are going to go back to my office were we can have a long discussion about you, and how we are going to help you," I told her smiling giving her no room to argue. "We don't need to have some big, heavy discussion Bella, but you need to help me out. I need you to start telling me things or they're going to get you another doctor."

"What? Why? No, they can't—they couldn't—I—I—you."

I rubbed her back softly as she tried to stop herself from giving herself a panic attack. "Bella, just breathe. I have already told them that if they give you another therapist it would be more detrimental than helpful. However, they seem to believe that I am walking a very fine line. If they do not see that we are doing work I can't stop them from sending you to someone else. It will be wholly out of my power. We are going to do the work, and I am going to show them that my instincts with you were right. Nothing will make me happier than gloating. Would you help me with that?"

"For right now I just have to talk to you, about something more than school work right? You aren't going to like, make me confront anyone or anything?"

I chuckled and led her back to the building. It never amazed me how many preconceived notions she had about what therapy should be like. She might never give in to the fact that it was mostly boring talk and people having verbal diarrhea until they found the root of their problems.

Spinning my chair to face the window in my small office I sat pinching the bridge of my nose. I had never had a more draining talk with Bella before. She was still unwilling to open up about very much and all that I truly got out of her was that she was more than happy to leave her mother's company, and her father's illness was making him angry and bitter. Anywhere she turned she had family attacking her, and it was making her feel extremely isolated. The circumstances behind everything were still in shadow and unknown to me. I did not push; I wanted to keep Bella aware of how our session was going. I hadn't wanted to meet another personality. She needed a break from feeling like she was completely out of control.

"Dr. Cullen," Lauren's nasally voice broke through my train of thought. "Dr. Whitlock is here."

"I'm done with my appointments for the day, please send him in."

I did not turn around right away, waiting until he began speaking. "Edward, we need to speak."

"Please, have a seat Jasper," I turned toward him and motioned to the chair across my desk.

"I promised Alice that when I talked to you that I would leave your patient out of this. She seems to believe very strongly that this will be good for you and I should just let it be."

"She's smart to give you such advice. It would be better if you let it alone."

"I understand that you want to do what is best for her Edward, but as your boss I need to make sure that things are not getting out of hand. I will not remove your patient, for now, but I will be watching closely."

"I would expect nothing less from you Jasper. Please believe me when I say that I never meant to cause so many problems. What happened on Saturday was not what I intended at all. I haven't written up my notes from today's session; but if you would like to review them when I am done, please be my guest."

"Have them to me by the end of the week. Alice won't be thrilled with me bringing work home for the weekend, but this is important. It can be a gateway to so many great things. For you and the department."

"It most certainly is the chance of a lifetime." I leaned forward looking at Jasper with all the sincerity that I felt. "I do not want to ruin anything over this patient. The only thing that I want to do is help her get better."

"I hope that is true Edward. For everybody's sake."

I swallowed the large lump that had suddenly appeared in my throat. I had never been afraid of Jasper. Or believed him of anything more harmful than killing a spider, or fly. As I stared into his eyes trying to get back some semblance of our normal relationship I saw nothing left of the Jasper that I normally knew. His eyes held no trace of emotion. Everything that I had just said to him seemed to almost fall on deaf ears. He had distanced himself from any emotion during our conversation. And that scared me more than him chewing me out. In his current state I knew that he was capable of anything. His years of military service gave him a constant analytical and strategic view point on anything. Seeing his eyes closed off meant that he was planning, and that was never a good thing.

"Please, Jasper. I would really rather not keep up the tension. We are family and we need to put this behind us."

"I would love to Edward, but I need to trust you first."

"What do you want me to do Jas? I will not remove Bella from my care. We had a very productive session this afternoon. My approach worked. I've looked over her old files and she had never been cooperative with other therapists. She hadn't trusted any of them as far as she could throw them. Most sessions she just sat quiet while they tried to get her to talk."

"Isn't that what has been happening between the two of you?"

"It was, until today. She needs to be pushed to open up, but she needs to trust before that can happen. If she doesn't trust you then she just retreats into herself and you'll meet someone else."

"Someone else?"

I worked hard to fight the smile that wanted to overtake my face. I finally had his attention. He was willing to see that I wasn't trying to mess this case up. "Every other personality that she brings out is almost an extreme form of whatever emotion she is feeling at the time. Confrontation, while something others try to avoid unless necessary, absolutely terrifies her. She brings out another identity that can handle it. When she's confronted with the idea of a relationship with a man, again she shuts herself off. There could be at least two or three more identities that I have yet to see."

"You really are doing your work with her," Jasper said as if he had doubted me the whole time.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you! Who's to say that we need to sit behind a desk intimidating everyone that walks in the door? We're doctors, in a field that is constantly evolving and coming up with new ways to treat patients. This works for her, it works for me."

"I'm sorry for not being more open to this idea but I cannot have a lawsuit or claims of malpractice. This department is just starting to get a reputation for good things. You are a big part of that."

I put a smile on my face and held it there like what he said pleased me rather than the pressure I was feeling in my chest. I had yet to talk to Bella about whether or not publishing a paper about her was a good idea. I hadn't even been honest with my full diagnosis of her problems. She was so fragile right now. And though I did not want to treat her with kid gloves, I needed to keep in mind what would be best for her. I knew that she would feel like she was a spectacle. Like the entire world would know exactly who she was and what she was dealing with. It was a common feeling for patients when they knew about being a subject of a paper. It was possible to do it without the patient's knowledge but I felt so wrong about that. She should know what was being said about her.

"Keep detailed notes for when you publish."

"Jas, that might be a long way away. I mean I just started treating her isn't a bit too soon to think about that?"

"Edward," Jasper leaned in leveling me with a look. "It is never too soon to start thinking about it. You have are on the verge of something great and you need to decide what you want to do about it."

"Of course, you're right," I agreed automatically. "I do need to decide. It would be ridiculously foolish of me to turn down such an opportunity."

"How about you come over to dinner tonight? Show Alice that we hugged it out and whatever else she expects us to do."

"She's really upset about this whole thing?" I asked a bit surprised. Alice was usually the calmest of us all somehow just understanding that things would always work.

"I think it's just the extra hormones, but she's been wrecked. She had started convincing herself that we were never going to see you again and the baby would never know what you looked like."

"That's ridiculous. She knows that we can never deny her anything."

"Speaking of that, I have a bit of a problem that you need to deal with."

"What would that be?" I asked genuinely confused. He had asked about Bella; saw that I was doing my best with her. What else was there to talk about?

"Alice, well she has this crazy idea that she should be able to meet Bella."

"What?" The tone of my voice was a shock to my ears. I sounded surprised, but even more than that, territorial somehow like she was mine and no one else's.

"I told her that it isn't possible. We can't just interact with patients outside of the scheduled sessions whenever we want to. She seems to think that since Bella is being treated a bit—differently, that she can be friends with her."

"Jasper, I'm taking her for walks, not taking her on dates. Why would Alice assume such a thing?"

"Edward, I don't know what goes through her mind. I need you to talk to her though. She has to understand that what she wants simply isn't possible."

"Of course Jasper, of course, I'll talk to her right away."

"Just—be gentle."

I nod and open the door for him as he gets up to leave my office. "I'll try to be there by six. I just want to work on my notes and then go clean up."

"I'll tell Alice."

I sink back into my chair heavily. What was happening? How could Alice think that befriending Bella was ok? So many years with Jasper at her side, she knew the rules we all upheld. Rosalie had practically ripped my head off for being out of the office when speaking to Bella. I just could not understand what was happening. I closed my eyes seeing Bella's fragile face before me. She was so vulnerable. I needed to be careful with her feelings as well as my desires. Something about the way she constantly licked her lips, or looked up at me from those thick lashes made me want to kiss her. She was shy and innocent, but that just made me want her more. I had always been with aggressive women who took what they wanted before I was willing to give it.

Bella was a breath of fresh air. She was unsure and gentle and more importantly she needed me. I had never felt this needed or useful before. Sure I had a whole roster of patients but all they needed was to be told that if they open up and communicate their lives will take a turn for the better. I had never had someone who was so utterly dependent on whether I was on time to meetings or there to talk to them. Bella truly needed me. She had placed an enormous amount of trust in me and I did not want to let that go. I wanted to make it grow into so much more.

I pinched the bridge of my nose trying to let my stress out through the exhale of my breath. Isn't that what meditation is supposed to be about? I needed to find out more about that type of thing so that I could learn how to control all of my inappropriate feelings.

As I sat contemplating where I could learn meditation and if it would really work Lauren's voice cackled over the intercom system. Why she felt the need to use it when she was ten feet from my office door was beyond me.

"There's an urgent phone call for your Dr. Cullen. It's one of your patients, Bella Swan."

My heart started thumping wildly in my chest as I rushed to grab the phone. She had never had contact with my outside of our sessions. If it was urgent than something must have happened to her to make her feel the need to call me.

"Dr. Cullen," I answered in my most professional voice trying to ignore the thumping in my chest.

"Dr. Cullen, am I psychotic?"

"I'm sorry what do you mean by that?" I asked very confused. Her voice was just as soft and sweet on the phone as it was in person and it made my heart beat even faster. I definitely needed to work on meditating.

"I did some research on line. I started looking up the symptoms and what it could mean. Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, none of those sound normal. I'm freaking psychotic and you didn't think that I would like to know that?"

"Bella, please calm down and explain what happened. I cannot help you unless you tell me exactly what happened." I know that I sound a bit condescending and patronizing, but I needed to snap her out of the hysteria that was quickly mounting inside of her.

Her long sigh into the phone tells me that I had annoyed her and she was ready to blow up at me. "I told you Dr. Cullen, I went searching for information. After I finished up at your office what you were saying was bothering me. All of that stuff about how I needed to really work hard and that I would be able to control what was happening. You told me that I needed to trust you and that I would get better. I just—you never really told me anything about what was happening with me and I - I had—God you know what? You just should have told me; from like the first time that I walked into your office. Instead I find out that I'm some sort of severe mental case that may never find that normalcy that I want so badly."

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose once more. This was why I had not said anything to her yet. She needed more time to come to terms with the fact that whatever she was doing or how she was living life; it would all just be a little bit different for her. She would never be able to live the carefree life she may have envisioned for her future. It would always be there in the back of her mind. A gnawing thought, a hard feeling that might make her have a setback or fear a reaction. The hard part had yet to start and she needed to focus on everything that was in front of her not the title that people wanted to put on her.

"I understand that you may feel a bit upset by this Bella. It is a perfectly normal and rational response to the given situation. Where are you right now? I think this matter is something better spoken about in person."

"I'm uh—I'm—home," she tells me quickly seemingly resigned to the idea that I would be where she wanted me last.

"Please, stay there and I will be there as soon as I can. I promise you Bella that we will work through this together. You can still trust me, I have nothing but your best interest at heart," I told her earnestly and quickly before hanging up the phone.

I fight the groan that wants to come out of my mouth as I stand up from my chair. I had been sitting too long and was feeling the effects stiffening my joints. Even still the vain side of me did not want to believe that I was getting old enough to do the old man "stand and groan". I say a silent prayer of thanks that I have finished up all my appointments so that I would not be cancelling on anyone.

"Lauren, you can pack up and head home, I'm heading out for the day. Please lock up my office and if Dr. Whitlock stops by tell him that I had an urgent matter to attend to and I will call him when I can."

"Is everything ok sir?" she asks either trying to stall or trying to find out information that was not her business.

I level her with a glare that I hope is communicating all of my anger and it did the trick as she began to shrink away under it. "My patients business is none of yours. You are here to handle the phone and my patient schedule, anything else does not pertain to you." Turning and storming off before she had been able to answer made me feel somewhat better. She had been steadily getting on my nerves more and more every day that since Bella had shown up.

I checked Bella's file for her home address as I sped down the road. I see that she's in Fork some forty five minutes at least from the college and that begins to distress me. She had said that she works and attends classes as well as care for her father. How did she ever have time to sleep or care for herself? I knew the answer to the question before it was fully formed. She had never allowed herself that.

The relief that washed over me as I saw that I had sped so fast I had made it in a half hour was so much that I nearly wanted to cry. She was clearly distressed and I worried what would happen if I took too long. The house is small and quaint. It feels like home, unlike the house that I had grown up with. There are overgrown vines and a path leading to a dense forest. It seemed like the house was its own character. Living and breathing trying to explain its owners and what they did inside every day.

I cannot believe how nervous I am as I lift my hand to knock on the door. Everything about what I was doing screamed to me that it was the wrong thing to do. Yes Bella needed help but I should be doing this in neutral territory. I did not believe that she would be comfortable coming to my office when she was clearly having problems trusting me. It was a flimsy excuse for what I was doing at her house and I needed to hold onto it with all of my might. I could have met her anywhere. If I wanted to self-analyze myself I would have known that all I really wanted to see Bella in a more intimate setting. I wanted to see baby pictures lined on the wall, and see where she had eaten family meals and studied. I simply wanted to know more about who she was before she got so sick that she needed to step into my office.

Before I could knock more than twice the door flew open and before me stood Bella looking positively feral. Her eyes seemed to shine with an intensity that I had never seen before. There was something about her that seemed as angry as she was scared of what she was reading on the internet.

"Hello Bella, may I come in so we can speak?" I ask politely trying to prove to myself as well as her that I can be trusted, and I can be professional under any circumstance.

"Yeah," her voice is quiet and rough like she had been crying or was trying to stop herself from starting at all. "Hey Dad, this is Dr. Cullen," her voice stays rough but she's got louder so that her father could hear her.

I followed her through the small entryway to see the living room and her father sitting up on the couch. She fussed over her father, helping him sip out of a cup and asking him more than twice if he was cold or uncomfortable. My heart constricted at the sight. I could see the anger in his eyes. Not that he was upset with his daughter, but that he was in the situation to begin with. The strong independent look in his eyes was unmistakable; it belonged to his daughter.

"Dr. Cullen this is my father, Charlie Swan."

I extended my head to him as a sign of respect. Yes he may be sick but the man wasn't dead. "It's very nice to meet you sir. I apologize that I have not heard more about you, but I've only just met Bella." His grunt is the only reaction that I get and I stand awkwardly silent for a moment before Bella clears her throat.

"I'm gonna go get your medicine Dad. Edw—Dr. Cullen, just uh—make yourself comfortable and I will be right back."

I nod and walk over to the mantle of pictures that houses many pictures of Bella from baby to now. I cannot help but smile as I see pictures of her splashing in water and obviously bored on fishing trips.

"She never did like to get out on the boat."

As I turned to the raspy voice behind me I nearly jumped back seeing that he was now standing almost directly behind me.

"It's one of the only things to around here. Hiking and fishing and she hates 'em both. She tried until she was about fourteen. I knew she didn't like it but she wanted to make me happy and I just wanted to make it true."

I am sure that my eyes were giving away my confusion when he coughs for a bit and then clears his throat to get himself under control. "I got shot, a year ago. Some teenagers were on their way up to Seattle and thought it would be fun to cause some trouble. One of them was more serious about the thug look then the others. He pulled his gun and shot me in the hip before I could even reach for my gun. I used to be the chief out here. Now, now I am lucky to sit or stand for a couple hours a day. Worst part is, when I was in there they found a tumor. Bone cancer, pretty rare. They say the stupid bullet saved my life. They save it helped detect the cancer early or some nonsense like that. It's been a year and a half in treatment and I'm not getting any better. It just keeps marching on, nothing anyone can do to stop it. And she's killing herself trying to keep me alive when I don't want to be."

"I'm sorry sir but—why are you- I don't understand-," the whole story was sitting on my chest like a ton of bricks and I did not quite understand the motive behind him telling me.

"Something's wrong with my little girl, and I know it. She thinks that I don't see it, that I don't know how bad it's all gotten. She hasn't been right for years. I know that I get mad and take it out on her, but she's worse than ever. I'm losing my little girl. The only—the only thing that I want before I go is to see her back again. Can you—will you help her?" he asked me so genuinely that I see a tear or two fall from his gaunt looking eyes.

"I promise you sir that I am doing the best that I possibly can and I will continue to do so." The words falling from my mouth rang so true and heartfelt that I need to clear my throat before I started tearing up with him.

"Charlie, what are you doing standing up? You know the doctor told you bed rest for the foreseeable future."

"I can decide when I want to sit or when I want to stand without a doctor's opinion," his muttering meant nothing to her though as she rolls her eyes and leads him back to the couch handing out pills and making sure he takes each last one.

"Would you like to talk outside?" she asked me nervously wringing her hands as her eyes shot from me to the kitchen. Her anxiety hung thick in the air and I knew that talking in front of her father was something that she did not want to do.

"Show me the way," I smiled and flourished my arm to get her to start moving to where she wanted us to talk.

As we walked to a small clearing on a path her hands never stopped twisting with one another and she gnawed on her lip constantly. It was the most adorable thing I had ever seen and I cursed myself for thinking that way when she was so clearly distressed.

"So, that was Charlie. He wasn't always like that he just had a bad streak lately but he'll bounce back."

"Would you like to talk about Charlie or would you like to talk about yourself?"

"Me," she answered quietly not meeting my eyes.

"Alright, please tell me what you are feeling. And do not edit on my account Bella, I am paid to hear you good or bad and I cannot do that if you edit."

Her eyes go wide surprised that she was caught and I could not help but smile once more. Something about the way she blushed made me feel lighter inside. Like I wasn't in turmoil or tired of listening to the inane problems of so many people.

"You should have told me, and it makes me angry. I know that I'm—different," she struggled to find a word that she seemed would fit what she wanted to describe. "It doesn't mean that I can't handle being a part of my own recovery. It just makes me feel even crazier not knowing what is going on with me. I'm reading all this stuff and these studies and statistics and how all these people commit suicide. How many wind up homeless. It's scary to think that I can become one of those people."

"Ok that's good, angry and scared we can deal with and we can fix. Now listen to me Bella, I don't want you doing any more research on the internet. It's a great way to find out information but it's also a way to get a lot of information that is taken out of context and get scared. There are people who have committed suicide from depression or other mental illnesses. There are equally as many that do it from drug use or guilt or from a sudden mental trauma. And there are homeless people out there that have schizophrenia. It's a hard disease to treat when the person is paranoid or feels like it is under control. But none of that pertains to you. I do not see any reason to believe that you have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. You are not hearing voices or overly paranoid, or displaying any other classic symptoms related to either disease. You are different Bella. You do have dissociative identity disorder. What you do Bella is retreat into your mind when you come across something that is too distressing for you."

"I don't really understand."

"It's almost like your mind is a puzzle. Over the years, with whatever you've experienced, you have taken these pieces and broken them off from the whole. As you face situations that are more and more distressing for you one of the pieces that you broke off come back and become dominant. They are all different aspects of your personality to help you handle everything that has happened to you."

"But I haven't been through anything!" she yelled out pulling at her hair and stamping the dirt like she was a petulant child. "My life is no different than anyone else going through a hard time out there."

I stood frozen in my spot as tears began to trickle out of her eyes. She was finally beginning to deal with the knowledge that things were only going to get worse from here on out. And the only things that I wanted to do were smile and pump my fist in the air because here she was dealing with emotion and not bring out any alter egos. I could not be sure if it was the shock of everything that stopped her from fully absorbing all of the emotion or information. Truth is that no one could be expected to take it all in and process it. I knew that in the upcoming weeks, she would have more and more episodes as she took in every emotion that she was bound to start feeling.

When her small tears turned into full blown sobs I did the only thing that I could think of. I did the one thing that was more wrong above anything else. I pulled her into my arms and buried my face in her hair letting her cry out every bit of emotion that she was able to feel as I was surrounded by her. She was soft and warm and smelled better than anything I had every smelled before. I had known what it was like to hold her, and I would never want to go back.


	5. Chapter 5

Stepping onto her front porch the cold breeze seemed to lift something off of my chest that I hadn't known was there while inside Bella's house. She hadn't wanted to speak in front of her father, but we turned my arrival into an impromptu session. And now after listening to her soft voice for over an hour I needed to step away from all of the heaviness.

There was nothing left to do but excuse myself when Charlie could no longer hide his pain or bitterness, cursing and groaning as Bella pleaded with him to take his pain medication. I wanted to stay, to somehow offer my medical expertise but I couldn't. My area of expertise was not in treating cancer patients. There was nothing that I could do to help him out.

The cold Washington air helped me breathe easier. There was too much repression, too much bitterness that hung in the air inside the house. What scared me more than that was that I wanted to stay. I wanted to try and fix everything that was making Bella upset. I could see in her eyes that she was hurt and sad every time she looked at her father. Most of all though, I saw fear. She was terrified to be alone. She only had her father to hold onto. Losing him would devastate her. And I feared that she hadn't truly known the extent of Charlie's willingness to die. When he was gone, she would have no one, and I could see how the very thought petrified her.

I exhaled loudly rubbing my palms together. She had barely said anything of consequence, yet it weighed on me. The way she seemed to idealize her entire childhood. How she had never resented caring for her mother. Picking up all the pieces of her mother's broken life. It was things that no child should have to do, yet she did it without complaint. She would not even stop to think that it was an unhealthy way to be. She simply shrugged and admitted that being more mature than people her age alienated her, but it wasn't always a bad thing. The way that she was so calm about being cheated out of something so monumental made me want to cry for her.

In truth I was glad for a reason to leave. Bella needed to talk, and I could have listened to her for hours but it was draining. I could see the physical responses in her body as she fought to control herself. I could see how tiring it was on her to not give over to something that was almost automatic.

The pointed and pleading look that I shared with Charlie as I walked out of the door did nothing to make me feel any better. He was counting on me to do something that may not happen in his life time. I could not tell him that if he just kept fighting for another six months that he could see his daughter happy and healthy. It was an enormous amount of pressure that I could neither deal with nor live up to. I could only go as fast as Bella was willing. And at this point it was going to take years for her to be able to make any significant amount of progress.

Breathing in the chilly spring air helped to free some of my coiled up emotions. I knew well enough that if I did not take time to decompress I would be snapping at the next person that talked to me. With one last look at the house as Bella began to turn on lights throughout the house for the night I climbed into my car and sped out of the driveway. I wanted to outrun the sorrow I felt for her. I wanted to outrun the desire for her that welled up inside of me any time that she had talked to me. I needed distance; I needed to clear my head of her. Yet the only thing I did was bring her nearer. I had handed her my cell phone number before I left, telling her to call whenever she felt the need to. I had hugged her once more and ran my fingers through her hair telling her that I would be right there for her no matter what. And I had even felt the deep sigh that passed through her that felt like she had calmed in my arms as if I had the same effect on her that she had on me.

With all the force that I had in my body I pounded against the steering wheel pulling the car over until I could control the rage that had been flowing through me since I left her driveway.

No one person should be so alluring, and so broken. She was absolutely gorgeous and completely unaware of how she affected almost any man out there that saw her. Everything about her was beautiful, but she could not even see it while she was so terrified of her own mind. She was so utterly selfless and vulnerable. How did she not see that she was the one person that needed to be helped more than anyone else?

I grabbed my cell phone making the one call I knew would change everything. She would forever look at me differently, and if she couldn't keep quiet than my life was in her hands.

"Alice," I breathed out shutting my eyes against the incessant need to cry on Bella's behalf. "Is Jasper around?"

"No, he went out to get me some dessert. There's this place across town that has the best lava cake, and the baby was just craving one so I sent him out. He won't be back for about another hour or so. Did you need to talk to him?"

"No, no I actually wanted to talk to you. I'm sorry that I missed dinner; I had an emergency to deal with. Bella was a bit distraught and I was worried that if I didn't go to her that she would do something rash."

"Oh, Edward, you don't need to apologize. I'm married to a doctor; I know that sometimes things come up. So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well—umm the thing is—I know that—you," I exhaled loudly. I wanted to tell Alice that she had to give up on the idea that she and Bella would be friends, and I also wanted _her _to tell _me_ that I needed to distance myself. I was becoming too attached to Bella. I could feel it sucking me in with the power and destruction of a black hole. This little woman was becoming the focus of my entire life. There was nothing that I could do to resist her, because she pulled in everything in her path.

"Edward, just calm down a little bit. You haven't stuttered since you were young and had to do those speech classes."

I sighed loudly, pinching the bridge of my nose. Leave it to Alice to bring up something embarrassing while I was already wound up. That did not mean that she was not right though. I was coiled tight and ready to attack the first unsuspecting person that I came across.

"Jasper talked to me today," I began quietly. I needed Alice to be clear on her boundaries before I asked her to reinforce mine. "He told me that you were upset that you were not allowed to try and start socializing with Bella." I heard a quiet "oh" come from her before I continued on. "Alice, I know that you love making new friends but you have to understand. She is not someone that you can simply befriend. Even if she were in the proper state of mind to take on someone like you, she is my patient. Clearly you can see how that is a conflict. My personal life and my professional life can never mix."

"I know that Edward, I really do. But I have this feeling deep inside me." I groaned. Her feelings were what dictated her every move in life. And she had done well for herself, listening to her gut. But with this, she was very wrong, and she needed to come to terms with it. "Don't mock my intuition. I have always listened to my instincts and they have never steered me wrong. Now like I was saying. I just have this feeling that Bella and I are going to wind up great friends sooner or later, and I just want it to be sooner."

"Alice," I ground out through my clenched jaw. "I don't care if you went to psychics who could see that you and Bella would spend eternity being best friends. You have to stay away from her. I have a job to do and needlessly worrying about whether or not you will interfere impedes that."

"Oh Edward, stop being so stuck up. Fine, I won't go near her. I know that she needs help, and I will let you help her. I'm telling you now though; Bella and I will be great friends. There is nothing that you can do that will stop it."

"Please Alice; I need you to understand that if you try and have her be friends with you, I cannot be around you. I cannot see Bella outside of a professional setting. I'm on a very tight rope with Jasper as it is. He might be upset with you for not listening to my advice but he will hang me if things go wrong."

The small gasp and sniffling that came after I finished speaking made my heart drop. It wasn't what I had wanted. Jasper had asked me to be gentle and I was trying to be. Why did Alice have to be so stubborn about her so called "feelings" and her "intuition"?

"Please Alice, don't cry. The last thing on Earth that I wanted to do was upset you. I just needed to make you understand the gravity of the situation."

"Is it really that bad Edward?" she asked. Her voice was so tiny she seemed almost childlike.

"What? You mean Jasper?" I asked trying to get my thoughts together. I had only wanted to warn her about the severe consequences, I hadn't realized that I was telling her just how strained things with Jasper were professionally. "I don't really know Alice. I cannot afford to ruin this opportunity. He's putting a lot on this case study. If I can make headway with her, we can be put on the map. If it goes south then we could lose everything. He would have to pull my license to keep it all going. And the department's reputation could be damaged for years."

"But you're family Edward. How could he just—"

"Alice you and that baby come first to him," I interrupted quickly before she could start to rant. "And that is the way that it should be. He would never do anything to jeopardize his ability to provide for you. I do not blame him, or hold it against him. He is only doing his job. It hurt when he was so unwilling to trust me, but we're past that. Now he needs to be my boss." I spoke gently but made it firm. Alice had no need to be angry with Jasper over anything. He was doing what he thought best. He was a military man, he planned and made every move a strategic benefit. That would never change.

"I'm sorry Edward, I didn't realize that it was so serious for you. I promise that I won't do anything to get you into trouble. But if I had met Bella on my own we would be great friends."

"Alice," I groaned into the phone. She was simply unstoppable.

"It's true, and you know it. Any woman that can unnerve the great Edward Cullen is sure to be a great friend of mine."

I sighed wishing that Alice wasn't so correct in her statement. Bella continuously unnerved, and disarmed me to the point where I found myself crossing barriers I had never entertained crossing. Yet with Bella, it was so natural to just break through the carefully built walls I kept between my patients and myself.

"Edward, is everything alright? You didn't just call to tell me about being friends with Bella did you?"

"No, I mean yes. I did call to talk to you about Bella. I was going to talk to you about Bella and how you can't be friends with her tonight at dinner. But I guess it's more than that."

"You like her," she said with a small squeal. It wasn't a question in any way. She sounded completely certain. What was worse was that she was right.

"I don't—I think—she—I'm not really sure what I'm feeling," I finished lamely dropping my head against the steering wheel. Alice had always been my confidant growing up. We were more brother and sister than cousins. Telling her this though seemed wrong. It felt like I was admitting something that I should still be fighting against.

"You do like her!"

Alice's voice was so high pitched by this point that I felt like creating some type of feedback that would scream in her ear the way she was in mine. "Alice, please try and calm yourself down."

"But Edward, you actually like someone. You aren't just dating someone because they seem good on paper you are actually feeling something."

"For a patient. A very sick, very vulnerable patient. I am doing the one thing that a doctor is never supposed to do. I am breaking all the rules and I don't know how to stop."

"Oh, oh, oh," she said one after another as she took in the true meaning of what was happening. "Have you told her?"

"What? Of course not! That would be career suicide. Not to mention destroy all the trust that she has in me right now. I almost lost that tonight, which is why I couldn't make dinner. I know that there is something about her that appeals to me, but I still want to do what is best for her. I have never taken anything farther than doctor patient, I just don't know—I—maybe."

"It's all the what if's that will drive you crazy Edward. You're doing the right thing by not doing anything. If you told her, or Jasper she wouldn't be able to keep seeing you. I don't know what to tell you about your feelings for her. I do know that you will always do the right thing."

"What if the right thing for her is walking away and finding another doctor?" I asked seriously. I needed to talk this through. I needed to know if the hell I was going to put myself through was worth it. Could Bella live a better life without me in it?

"If you honestly and truly meant that, you would do it. But I don't think that's what's best—for either of you," she said quietly. "I'm not just thinking about your career, but about your personal life. You've always felt alone, and even if you just see her in sessions, I know that you'll feel a lot better. She trusts you Edward; you need to be there for her."

I fought the urge to growl at her and scream that she was wrong. She was supposed to be telling me that I needed to walk away. If I felt for my patient, she should no longer be my patient. She was supposed to be pushing me away. Instead I was listening to her explain why I needed to stay around.

"I don't think you could walk away even if you wanted to. She's part of you now, there's no denying it."

"She isn't supposed to be part of me though. She's supposed to be Emmett's patient. This isn't what I do. I deal with marriages and mid-life crises'. I was never supposed to be given her as a patient."

"I don't believe that for a second. And deep down I don't think that you do either."

"I have to go Alice," I said through clenched teeth. She was saying everything I did not need to hear. "Thank you for listening and uh—if we could not tell Jasper—"

"Oh please, this stays with me and you," she said cutting me off quickly. "You're a great doctor, and you'll keep being one, even if you feel something for Bella."

"Thanks Alice, and I'll drop by soon I promise."

A day turned into a week, and before I knew it I was adding a new set of notes to Bella's file, wishing that I had more. Jasper had been pleased with what I could come up. Even Emmett was intrigued by this woman who still believed that she was raised as normally as anyone else.

"So, what are you up to this weekend doc?"

I looked up from the file on my desk surprised to see that Bella hadn't moved. Instead she was leaning back in the seat with one arm casually draped over the back. For whatever reason, she had decided to take advantage of the sun, and the skirt that she had on was riding up her thighs. I had never seen her like this. Normally on a Friday, she would get up, wish me a pleasant weekend and was out of the office before I could respond. But there she sat, with a smirk on her face and one hand dragging slowly up and down her leg.

I felt the lump in my throat grow large before I swallowed. I hadn't spoken to Alice since our conversation, but I knew that she supported me. She had the utmost faith that I would do right by Bella, and that kept me in my chair. How could I pursue my patient and let down my whole family?

"I'm sorry?" I asked as her tried to keep my eyes from roaming up and down her body.

"It's Friday, ya' know date night? So, who are you going out with tonight?"

"I'm sorry Bella, but I do not think it is appropriate to talk of those kinds of things. Telling you that I was born into wealth is different than discussing who I am dating."

"Oh don't worry doc, she's wondering just as much as I am."

"She?" I asked instantly. I knew that Bella was not acting normally, but this was something that I hadn't yet seen.

"Bella here handed the reigns over to me. She got all dolled up so you would notice her. She wants to know if you've got a girl. I just wanna know when we're gonna screw around."

Her smirk turned into a full blown smile as she opened her legs slightly showing me flashes of black lace underneath.

"I'm sorry; I don't think we've been introduced properly. I am Edward Cullen, Bella's therapist, and you are?"

"Rachel, but we try to act like Bella as much as possible."

"Bella would never hit on me."

"Yeah I know, but hey sometimes a girl just has to have fun. She's got problems with guys, and when she's feeling—shall we say—frisky? She brings out the big guns to help her out. This isn't exactly what I would wear or how I would do my hair, but if we're always looking different people start asking about who we are."

"How often do you pretend to be Bella?" I asked writing as fast as I could. Breaking out the tape recorder seemed like it would break the easy conversation happening right now.

"Pretty often. I pretended mostly through high school. I would go on these shopping trips when Renee handed her some guilt money. I would be the best stuff out there at the time. Great leggings or miniskirts. We do have a great set of legs don't we doc?" I knew that the question was rhetorical. She was trying to goad me into some sort of physical reaction. And if she had been any closer to me she would have undoubtedly seen just how much of a reaction she was inciting in me. My blood was boiling, racing through me, telling me to find a release for all the teasing that Bella was doing. Or should I refer to her as Rachel.

"Anyway, we'd get back home and she'd see what was in the closet and get upset. She thought her mom was buying them, trying to encourage her to dress more 'feminine', I guess you could say. So I would never be able to wear them. I had to act like I was some innocent virgin. Ruthy was around a lot during elementary school. It was a hard time during then, and Ruthy, well I guess she just could stand it better than the rest of us. And well Trey, she was around for about a year after Jake. She just couldn't stop being angry."

"And how many more of you are in there?"

"I can't really tell for sure. They've come and gone over the years. When she didn't need them anymore they just went off on their own. But there are a few of us that always stuck around."

"Rachel, what else can you tell me about Bella? Trey isn't very open. And Ruthy, the younger one, I suspect. She isn't forthcoming either. She seems rather afraid."

"Well of course she is. She's terrified of Renee. The things that woman did to her when we were young. Ruthy just could never get past it."

"What types of things would those be?" I asked eagerly. Bella was much more open this way and I needed to capitalize on it. I reached into my desk and grabbed the small digital recorder I had just bought. I wanted at some point for Bella to hear the change in her voice. The way she seemed to make every word whispered and sensual. It would probably make Bella blush just hearing it.

"I don't want to talk about the woman, do you? I want to talk about something more, pleasant."

"Such as?" I asked. Any information from her would be helpful and vital.

"You and me going to dinner. There's a wonderful Italian place not too far from here. They dim the lights and let almost anything happen without disturbing you. If you catch my drift," she said to me as she brushed her fingers across her chest.

"You do know that I am not allowed to do those things? There are rules that we must follow," I said trying to act like her seduction was having no effect on me. Every part of me was stiffening and I needed to remember that before me was a very scared woman, not this sex vixen she wanted to be at the moment.

"What's the point in living life if you aren't willing to be a little bad?"

"I am by no means any form of saint, but I will not now, or ever be escorting you to dinner. You know that is not allowed, and you know that Bella would not approve."

"Oh please. Don't let this prude exterior fool you. She wants you more than you know. You're the first guy _she's _ever been attracted to. Lord only knows why. Not like there's a shortage of handsome decent guys out there."

"What about Renee? Did she find those decent guys you are talking about?"

"God no," she said with an angry snort. She seemed to be content talking to me as long as she could flirt and try and get my attention. "Renee found nothing but scum. She always thought they were the best because they would take her into a back alley somewhere and screw her brains out like she was never divorced or had a kid. If they could make her feel like she was pretty they were the best in the world."

"And what was the actuality?"

"They were pervs who were drunk and needed to feel manly. Some were lower than pond scum that saw Bella and wanted her more than her mother. It was a tossup. We would just sit and wait on her bed most nights to see what was going to walk through the front door. But none of them were ever decent. You though, you are one the rare few that are truly good at heart. She knows that you care about her wellbeing more than her body. She's really into that ya' know. I am too. I bet you are just like that when I get you into bed too .You'll always be more concerned about what we're feeling than what you're feeling. Oh God would that be nice to experience for once. No selfish lovers, but someone who can really give me what I want."

She was practically purring at me and I had to work to swallow the dry lump in my throat once more as she opened her legs just a bit wider. I felt like I was living in a remake of Basic Instinct. She was gorgeous, and lethal.

"I apologize Rachel, but I cannot help you the way you want me to. I have taken up a bit too much of your time." I was robotic with my words, but I could not afford to feel. She was my patient, only my patient.

"Is this your way of politely rejecting you?"

"This is my way of telling you that I am Bella's doctor, and need to continue to be. What you are offering I cannot take. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me about Renee. I know that eventually Bella will appreciate it."

Swallowing and taking in large, deep breathes I stood from my desk and extend my hand out toward her. I do not have the slightest inclination how to end this encounter. I do not want to offend her at all. She seems to be one that doesn't care about the rules that Bella has set up for herself. I needed her to like me enough to continue talking to me if anything was ever going to change.

"So that's it then? You aren't even going to try and give me a little kiss doc?"

"I'm afraid not. I would love to talk to you again though."

With a low sultry laugh she bypassed my hand and leaned in giving me a kiss on the cheek. "You'll give in to me sooner or later. They always do. I'm no virgin, and neither is she."

I could do nothing other than stand there in shock as I watched Bella leave my office. It was the first time that I had seen her come in as Bella and leave as someone else. How many times had a separate identity been masquerading as Bella? How long had she hidden what was happening to her mind so that she would not have to go through treatment?

"Lauren," I called out to her nearly growling. I watched as she came into my office with wide eyes, seeming scared of my sudden mood change. I wanted to care. I wanted to talk to her differently, have her understand that the anger I was feeling was not towards her. All that I could do though was continue grounding out my instructions to her through my clenched jaw. "I need you to get a hold of Dr. Whitlock, tell him I need the intern as soon as one can be found. After that I need you to schedule a meeting with Dr. McCarty. No later than Monday. Tell them both that it is of the utmost importance and that nothing is to be delayed."

For once she had done the right thing, sensing that I would not be tolerant of any small talk or inaction. Hurrying from my office I heard her on the phone delivering the message to Jasper's secretary and then on the phone with Emmett's. My heart was still racing as I quickly scribbled out the notes that I needed to from this session. Everything was still so fresh in my mind, even the extreme amount of sexual desire I felt towards Bella, that I was writing and noting faster than I ever had. I wanted nothing to be left out. She had just dropped an atom bomb of information on me, and I needed to survey the destruction thoroughly.

"Dr. Cullen," her voice was timid, and I felt bad that I had taken my anger out on her earlier. I waved her inside and leaned back in my chair, showing that I was more at ease then I had been ten minutes earlier. "Dr. Whitlock should have someone in place by Tuesday, and Dr. McCarty is free on Sunday night. Would you like me to make a reservation for dinner?"

"Yes, please Lauren. Somewhere quiet and private. And pull out my business credit card, this is a working dinner."

"Of course sir, is there anything else that I can do for you today?"

"No, thank you. Please, go enjoy your weekend. Are you still seeing Tyler?" I asked completely guessing at who was her latest acquisition.

"You remembered," she gasped. I had to work to keep the grimace off of my face. She seemed to read more into this than half- listening and guessing. "And I am. He's been really great to me. We're actually thinking of taking an away vacation sometime soon. He thinks it might be a little soon, but I mean, how can you get to know someone if you don't push things along? He acts like it upsets him but I know he's just bluffing. I mean what guy wants the girl to know that he's a pushover with you? Right?"

She paused for a moment during her boring rant and looked at me expectantly. I had hardly listened, but it seemed she wanted me to interject some form of opinion. "Of course," I agreed readily. "Enjoy your weekend. Please close the door on your way out."

She seemed momentarily stunned that I had gone from what she conceived as an avid listener, to dismissing her from my office. Even still though she nodded once and walked out quickly. It did not escape my notice that she had let he door slam on the way out. What she envisioned as a future for us was never going to happen.


	6. Chapter 6

The words swarmed around me like an angry hive. It was discouraging and frustrating. How could there be so much research that told me so very little about this situation? I already knew that Bella had a traumatic past which led to her disorder. If I read another page on how trauma can cause a person to create a personality strong enough to deal with the effects I was going to set the books on fire. My temper was always sitting right there, at the edge of me, waiting to be unleashed on anyone that looked at me wrong. I had my own fire sitting inside of me, and I was afraid that I would set everything ablaze just by breathing in the right direction.

I looked at the clock in my small home office and sighed. I hadn't gotten more than four hours of sleep the night before and had spent all day reading through countless journals, and research papers that gave me little to no insight into Bella's disorder. I was almost tempted to call up Jasper and fight with him. I had told him that I did not know enough about personality disorders to treat Bella. Now here it was the brick wall that I hit with my limited knowledge. She needed Emmett; she needed an expert, not me. Yet at the same time I knew that I would never be able to do that. The simple thought of not treating her, not seeing her, made me anxious.

I could feel it happen inside my chest. It was a physical reaction to the idea of not seeing that soft gentle creature in my office. The constriction, the rapid heartbeat, it was a classic panic attack. Bella was becoming an addiction for me. I needed to have her in my office every other day. I needed to know that just as her scent started to leave, she would walk back in and assault my senses once more. I had to help her. I needed to be the one to save her.

My mood or my state of mind had not improved by Sunday, when I went to go meet Emmett for dinner. I was tense, my hands never unclenching from the tight fists that had formed that Friday night. I needed a resolution, or a fight. I needed a way to release all of the pent up emotion that I had not wanted to admit to. I needed to help this woman so that she could move on with her life, and I could live in a dull misery for the rest of mine. She was everything that I had ever wanted, and everything that I would never have.

"Emmett," I greeted him tersely shaking his hand before sitting across the table from him.

"So what's got you all in a twist Eddie? Your assistant was freaking out on the phone. You must have scared her to no end."

I could feel the grimace twist my mouth. My hand flew up reflexively to rub the back of my neck. "Yeah, I was pretty harsh I just—I was taken by complete surprise. You—I mean you would have known, you would have seen. But I didn't. I don't know all the little signs that you do. I haven't studied this like you have and I was so—so—she- yeah, I scared her," I finished dropping my head and letting out the breath that I had used for my rant.

"Alright then, I can see that we're going to need a few drinks before we start getting into details."

"Emmett, I don't think this conversation is going to be helped with alcohol."

"Oh, come on Edward, lighten up a little bit. You wanna know how I survived all these years with these kinds of patients?" I could feel myself leaning forward in my seat hanging on his every word. There was nothing that I wanted to know more.

"I have a drink, I go on a date, and I remember that I have a life of my own to live. And when I lose one of them, when they're too far gone into the disease and they wind up on drugs or—worse, I sit down with a bottle of Jack, say a prayer for them and start to let it go. We're psychiatrists, we aren't going to catch everything, or help every patient that comes our way. Some people want to be helped, some don't. We have to respect that and find our own balance."

"Balance," I said quietly testing the word out. It was something that I had never had. Something that I had not even strived for. The word itself felt heavy on my tongue. How did Emmett do it? Or even Jasper? They had lives, I had work. Where was I going wrong when everyone else was doing something right?

"You're just too serious man. I saw it the minute that you walked into the department. You're always trying to prove something to someone out there. Like you need to be better than you are. You act like you have all these sins to atone for. We all have our problems Edward. Most people just let them go easier than you do."

I smiled grimly at him shrugging my shoulders. "I guess it was foolish to think that I could hide my true self from some of the top head doctors in the country."

"Nah, people see me and they think that I'm too one tracked. Like if I'm thinking about sports I don't hear or see anything else around. But, I see it all, even when no one thinks that I'm looking."

I chuckled and shook my head. Emmett was more than I had ever given him credit for. I had spent so long with my head buried in journals, and files that I had let friendships fall by the wayside.

"I don't think Rosalie knows what she's missing in you Emmett."

"Thanks for the compliment man, but we've been on a couple dates and I think she's finally starting to come around."

"Wow, finally after all this time. This does call for a few drinks."

"Now we're talking," he said laughing and flagging down a waiter to get us the drinks we both desperately needed after a long week.

"Have you ever been fooled by any of your patients Emmett?" I asked after my third whiskey sour.

"How do you mean?"

"Have they ever walked in and you thought that you were talking to them, getting through to them, and then you find out that they were pretending? They walked in as your patient, but they were actually one of their personas?"

"Mm, yeah when I first started working in the area. It's hard to tell a lot of the time. We're talking about years of practice with some of the patients. They fracture their minds, and break free of all the abuse, trauma that they can't handle, that they don't want to remember. It's possible that sometimes they spend most of their lives living with different personas they mascaraed as themselves."

"That is what frustrates me. All of the possibilities, and probabilities. I need conclusive, hard evidence. I need a solution."

"Edward, we're talking about an unhealthy mind. There is no way to say for certain how someone is going to react. I've had patients that had to work hard to pretend that they were adults when they were really living as a person that hadn't made it past twelve. I've had patients that turned violent and had to be locked away for their own good. The spectrum is so varied that there's no real way to tell how a person is going to react to their personal trauma, or treatment. After reliving the trauma some people just don't make it."

"How many have you lost?" I asked, the question falling like a lead weight between us.

"Too many for my liking, but in all reality I could count them on one hand. I only take a few at a time, and their treatments are intense and long lasting. The upside is that I get to see the change and the growth. I get to see how they get better and start leading fulfilling lives."

"But, Emmett I don't know if she's strong enough to take years of therapy," I said pleading with him to give me an answer that would fix her quickly.

Whether or not Bella was strong enough to handle the therapy that she needed was irrelevant. I was certain that I would not be strong enough to handle it. How long would I be able to resist her innocence and sultriness when she put it on display?

How many times, and how many ways could I deny that sweet vulnerable creature before either she or I fell apart?

"That's where you do your job Eddie boy. You become her lifeline in the beginning. Make sure that when it starts getting bad you're right there for her no matter when she calls. She needs a trustworthy doctor. Every single one of my patients knows that if they have a bad episode they can call me up and I will talk them down."

"I've tried to do that, but then she just shuts down. She thinks that if I'm allowing her to talk about nothing than she can just show up and we'll chat like friends."

"Then be both."

The shrug of his massive shoulders makes his statement seem so simple. He's relaxed like I haven't been able to feel since Bella walked into my office, and I find myself envying him. Every cell of my body wants to be able to lean back in my chair and stop tugging on the wayward strands of my hair. I had never been happier that I inherited the thick head of hair from my parents. I knew for certain that I could give myself bald patches with the way my hands worked through my hair. They found my scalp without me realizing what I was doing. It seemed as if I had been working on autopilot only showing signs of life when the frustration started to get the better of me.

How could it be as simple as "be both"? How could I keep my professional distance from her while showing her that I would support her through her difficult treatment?

"How on God's green Earth am I going to be able to do that?"

"That, my friend, is for you to figure out."

"Em," I speak quietly, letting my guilt over my feelings getting the better of me. "Have you ever been attracted to any of your patients?"

"I've found some of them attractive but nothing more than that. Why?"

I dropped my head, sipping my drink and staying quiet. My head mechanically shaking itself from side to side as Emmett sat stunned at my reaction. I knew that I should be saying something. I should have been telling Emmett that I was just curious. That there was nothing out of the ordinary about the question. Just two men that sat talking about work, trying to get a handle on how best to handle a patient. However the four drinks that I had had before were starting to break down my inhibitions. I would never be able to lie to Emmett when the liquor would act as my truth serum.

I felt the blush heat up my cheeks as I thought of all the ways that I had been guilty of violating all of my ethics.

"Edward, what is going on? Why are you asking about something like that? I thought you wanted info on how to treat Bella?"

"I did—I do—I—yes that's why we're here," I finished lamely not meeting his eyes.

The soft swirl of the whiskey I had been nursing for half an hour had become far more interesting than anything in the restaurant. The angry buzzing of my thoughts was back. All of Emmett's advice replaying in my head with the entire journal articles I had been reading lately.

"You like her don't you?" He stated. He made it sound like a question, but we both knew there was no reason to question it. "God, Edward you're starting to develop feelings for a patient. Does she know?"

"Do you think that I'm that stupid? I am not going to throw away my entire life because I find someone fascinating."

"Fascinating? That's what you're going with? That you find her fascinating?"

I finally lifted my eyes to meet Emmet's. I knew he thought that I was minimalizing my feelings with my word choice. I needed him to know that I was not down playing anything, but giving him an apt description.

"It's true Em. Everything about her is fascinating to me. She has this way of walking that is both timid and full of confidence. Like she knows that she's magnetic but can't quite own up to it. She is so selfless that she is still worrying about her father while her university is practically force feeding therapy to her. Everything about her is stunning."

"My God, Edward you have to talk to Jasper about this."

"Emmet, she doesn't know anything. I have never once let her see anything that I may be thinking, or feeling. Every session I only focus on her and what she's telling me. Nothing else ever enters my mind. I have control over this—this crush—infatuation—whatever name you want to give it."

"Eddie, you and I both know that if you're here spilling your guts out, to me no less, without being fall down drunk than you are not in control."

"Em I can do this. Please let me do this?"

"Eddie it isn't up to me and you know that. Jasper is the head of the department and for good reasons. He knows exactly how to detach his emotions from any situations while still being compassionate. I can't do that, and you certainly don't know how to keep emotions out of things."

"He's family, he'll understand."

"He's your _boss_. And I guarantee that he won't understand what is going on with you. I can't understand what's going on with you. You have the case of a lifetime. You can publish this and move up in the world big time. You can't waste this, or worry about the fact that she's giving off some pheromones that get your juices flowing."

"I don't even know if I want to publish honestly." I admit quietly. I had never voiced that out loud to anyone. It felt freeing in the moment though. While I was letting everything else out I might as well show what a wavering mess I had become because of one simple girl.

"You don't want to publish? Are you kidding me? A young girl that has clear multiple personalities , showing themselves to you and you don't want to publish? Are the different personalities talking to you? Can you have full-fledged conversations with them?"

I nodded and leaned back further in my chair. "They tell me about her childhood. They don't just parade around as her, they sit there and tell me things about why she became the way she is. The longer I treat her, I become more and more trusted by each of them."

"Look Eddie boy, I know that you got a thing for this girl, but if you don't publish this, me, and half of the psychiatrists in the nation will be lining up to rip you limb from limb."

"I know that. I really do. And I know that I have never turned down an opportunity to publish anything. I work hard for the position that I hold. I just don't know how she is going to react. I know that it will humiliate her and I can't do that to her. And there's no way that I can keep it a secret. She deserves to know that she's being written about. Even if we keep her identity completely anonymous."

"Listen Edward, I don't get what you see in the chick, but I see that you have some real feelings for her. You only have two options. You either keep treating her and publish, or you tell Jasper and—"

"And he takes her away from me."

"Edward," Emmett's voice deepened to a level I had not heard from him before. I sat there unmoving, feeling like a child that was getting scolded. For a moment I got a brief glance into what Emmett would be like as a father. Or while treating his patients that tended to be more childlike than adult. "Whatever you're thinking about, whatever you're feeling—I would tell Jasper. You _need _to tell Jasper."

"I know that I should but I can't possibly think of her being treated by anyone else honestly. It has nothing to do with feelings for her. I started this with her. She trusts me. I got her to trust me. Her father begged me to help her. He wants her better before he dies. I am their last hope. I can't hand off responsibility of her. I need to see this through myself. I can't live with myself any other way."

"Well then, treat her with a clear head. For the record though, I would still tell Jasper."

I left the dinner with Emmett without any clear answers. His advice was sound. I did need to tell Jasper. Everything that I had ever sworn to, every bit of morality inside of me knew that I should tell Jasper. The AMA would demand my head if I were to ever let my feelings for Bella be known. I would be ruined.

All of this I knew as a certainty. Yet the only thing that scared me was the thought of losing Bella. I _couldn't _tell Jasper. She needed to stay close to me, under my care. I knew Emmett wouldn't say anything to Jasper. And even if he did I knew that I could deny it. Jasper had no reason to doubt me. I was always indifferent and aloof with my patients. Why would I all of a sudden start caring so much now?

Waking up Monday morning did nothing for my mood. I was already angry, with the buzzing noise back inside of my head. Lauren's grating voice did nothing to lighten my mood. That was, until I heard her announce Bella's arrival. There was so much that I needed to go over with her. The only thing that I felt though was the extreme relief to see the wavy brown hair that surrounded her small heart shaped face.

"Hi Dr. Cullen, how was your weekend?"

I smiled at the timid way she entered the office. I knew that she wouldn't remember much, if anything at all about our Friday session. She was trying to play it off like she knew.

"Good afternoon Bella. Please, sit."

"Umm—I know that we're supposed to have this sort of invisible line of propriety and all that but my dad—he wants, I mean he would like it if—he asked me—I thought you could—"

"Bella, you need to know that you can talk to me about anything. What is it that you'd like to ask?"

"My dad would like to see you again. I don't know why, he won't tell me. He said that it would help me with—well, all of this," she waved her arm around to indicate her therapy sessions.

I smiled at how she still couldn't come to terms with the magnitude of her illness. She wanted to stay ignorant to all that was going on inside of her. I couldn't blame her, honestly. Who would want to admit to themselves just how mentally unstable they truly were if they were in her condition? She wanted it to be fixed by medication, or surgery. Something that was quick and painless. She did not want to believe that she had suffered from a traumatic past.

"If he thinks that it will truly help aide you in your therapy sessions I will be sure to call him so we can discuss. I know that he isn't well enough to travel out here. Perhaps we could arrange one home session if it were necessary for him to be involved."

"I don't want to involve him though. I mean, he's my dad, and he's sick. I'm supposed to be taking care of him not having him—"

"Love and care for his only child? You cannot expect him to sit idly by if he believes he can help. I think the best course of action would be to see what he can bring to the table. If it's nothing terribly important than we won't bring it up again." I saw her nod her head giving in to my suggestion reluctantly. "It's ok for him to know what you're suffering from. I know the last time we named it you were very upset. We won't put any names or labels on anything if you aren't comfortable with it."

I watched as she bit her nails for a few minutes thinking over what she wanted to say. I sat anxiously waiting to see if it would truly be Bella or an alter ego coming through.

"I don't want to be crazy," she whispered looking out my tiny office window. "I know that I have always been different from other people. I haven't reacted the same to situations, and I don't act the same as normal people. But I don't want to be _that girl_. I don't want to be the one that makes people cross the street before the cross my path."

"That is a valid fear Bella." I watch her head shoot toward my direction surprised by my response. As her friend, as someone interested in her, she should expect that I would tell her nothing like that will happen to her. As her therapist I needed her to know that what she was feeling was a real fear. "This is an illness that hasn't been thoroughly explored. We only have theories as to how people will react to therapy, we can never know for certain. You may not want to hear this, but if you don't get better you may well be that person. But you and I will make sure that we do _everything_ in our power to get you better. You need to face the fear rather than ignore it."

"Ok, thanks Dr. Cullen. I really do like coming to talk to you. You don't make it feel like such a stigma. I don't feel like I'm such an outsider sitting here with you."

"That's good I'm glad. Bella can you tell me what you remember about Friday?"

"This Friday? I worked, I came to your office, we had our session and then I went home to my dad."

"Do you remember what we talked about in our session?"

"Not really. I kind of remember talking about my mom a little. How she liked to have fun every so often."

"You don't remember talking about your mother bringing home various men almost nightly?"

"No, she never did that. Why would I tell you that when it isn't true?"

"Bella, do you remember making attempts to flirt with me?"

"What? No, I wouldn't do. I would never do that! Why would I do that? You're my therapist, and I don't flirt—ever!"

I kept my face passive and fought the urge to spring from my chair to throw my arms around her. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to tell her that we did not have to talk about anything that upset her. I wanted to be her, friend, boyfriend, lover, anything more than what I was now. Her voice had grown in volume and raised an octave. I could see how thoroughly upset she was. She had started shivering and crying loud, broken sobs. She had never needed to come to terms with her alternate personalities before. She knew that there were things that did not make sense in her every day world, but this was something totally different.

"Bella I know that this is hard to hear but you need to understand what is happening. There are certain situations that make you uncomfortable. They make you uncomfortable because of what happened to you in your past. You may believe that your childhood was as normal as any other child's but you would not be here if that were true."

"What is it with all of you therapists? You're all the same. Do they send all of you to some sort of class to teach you how to be pricks? Life isn't perfect Dr. Cullen but that doesn't mean that I have any worse of a history than any other person. So my mom went out some nights and left me alone. I was capable of caring for myself when she couldn't do it. I don't remember any random men coming in and out of my house. I certainly don't remember hitting on you. Trust me; I am in no way attracted to you. I would never want to flirt with you for any reason. And contrary to your latest theory my mother was not the devil that screwed me up!"

I watched Bella as her chest heaved from her heavy breathing. She was flushed a bright red, and I could only imagine how far down it went. I knew that I was in too deep when I found it unbearably sexy in a primal way. I stood up to stand face to face with her, not sure of what I was going to do next. I just knew that I needed her to calm down.

"Hey," I called her softly reaching out and touching her wrist lightly. "I'm not here to upset you or make you believe anything. I am only here to listen to you talk and sort out that puzzle in your mind. If this is going to work you need to trust me."

"I can't trust someone that is always lying to me. You're telling me things that I can't possibly believe. I mean, I'm an English major, trained to think outside of the box and I can't believe any of this. Why are you doing this to me?"

"If I had a choice I would stop right now, but you told me that you wanted this. That you were ready to do the work to get better. That means I can't give up. And I just saw a great breakthrough. You got angry Bella."

"Of course I would. Who wouldn't when they were listening to all of this nonsense?"

"No, Bella, you, yourself got angry. You didn't retreat and call in another personality. You expressed your anger and hurt while staying alert and present." I smiled at her and worked hard at taking my hand off of her skin. "It's a small step, but one in the right direction. Please, sit down and let me show you something."

I watched her sit and fidget trying to let go of the tension in her body. I had never been in this type of situation with a patient before, but Emmett's advice was proving to be slightly useful. I needed to be firm with her to make her come to terms with her illness. At the same time I needed to remember that she was broken and needed delicate handling with a lot of compassion. I wondered when the last time was that she had been held. When she had been comforted instead of doing the comforting. How much had she been lacking in way of human contact and affection? So many studies had shown just how important human contact was for humans. I could tell that she wasn't used to this. She was not used to yelling, let alone having someone take it and continue with a conversation as if nothing had happened. I needed to learn how to do that as well. No patient had ever come in and yelled at me where we continued sessions. She was different though. Bella was everything amazing and exceptional. I needed to learn how to be exceptional as well.

"This is from Friday," I told her as I pulled out my tape recorder. "I do believe that you may remember bits and pieces of our session. It was after our session officially ended that you started with this conversation. This is only the latter half of the conversation. Now remember this is not truly you. What this is, is an extreme version of the emotions that you are feeling at the moment."

I pushed play letting Bella hear how her voice had changed so dramatically. The way she spoke was different and yet the undertone of it all was distinctly Bella. She reddened, blushing from the embarrassment. Silent tears streamed down her face as she took in what she was hearing. How she knew that it was truly her voice but could not remember saying any of it. How she had alluded to various men trying to abuse her. She was face to face with her past and she didn't know how to deal with it.

"I know its hard Bella. I'm not upset about anything that happened on Friday, and I know that it was not truly you. This is real though. To get better you have to face it."

"I feel it getting worse. I feel myself becoming people that I don't want to be. I don't remember Friday, but I remember on Saturday getting angry that my dad was telling me how he would just kill himself. I felt my voice begin to change, it was like I saw it but couldn't control it. I can't control any of it."

"We'll help you get better together Bella. I promise. Can you tell me anymore about what happened while you were living with your mother? Do you remember anything else that happened?"

She sat quiet for a few minutes shifting in her chair uncontrollably. I knew that I was losing her. I would find out more of her story, but it wouldn't be her telling me. It would certainly be someone else.

"I used to say my prayers every night. I loved it when we went to church on Sunday's. Her mom wouldn't really go ever. Only if the current boyfriend didn't object, but we'd go on our own. She doesn't want to remember because it's not so nice, but it's what we did. We would pray at home, at church, whenever we heard the door close and heavy footsteps through the house. We were always praying for something. I guess for a miracle."

"Did one ever happen?"

"No. Her mom did come home one night though drunk, with a large guy. He was the biker type, Renee was going through a phase. She watched as we said our prayers out loud. We didn't realize that they were home. We were used to being alone all night. Unless a guy woke us up. We'd pray through that too."

"What happened when your mom heard you?"

"She laughed. She told us that there was no God. She said that I was praying for nothing because if there was a God she would have a better life. Without Bella in it. She just laughed and laughed saying we were wasting our time. Even if God did exist, he wouldn't pay attention to poor old her. She wasn't important enough to care about. The guy just laughed and laughed. When he snuck into her room later that night, Bella and I prayed together to make it go quickly. She never prayed again."

"Do you still pray?"

"Every night. She doesn't know it, but she still believes in God. It would destroy her if she totally stopped believing in God."

"So you believe in God?"

"Of course. You have to believe in God if you've seen the Devil. And trust me I was there praying with Bella every time she saw the Devil. "

"What's your name?"

"Faith. I know it's kinda cheesy, but she knew this little girl back in elementary school named Faith. She was always the sweetest, most optimistic little girl. Even when everyone was picking on her for her glasses and hand me down clothes. So when Bella needed to find hope she made me and named me after the little girl that never lost either hope or faith."

"If that was her reasoning for picking the name then I can't say it is cheesy at all. Bella is a strong individual for surviving through all of that."

"It will kill her. You know that right? Trying to sort through everything that she's been through, it will kill her. She isn't strong enough for any of this."

"You don't know that. No one knows that. She can come through this with flying colors. She can become a whole person that knows how to love and be loved in return. People survive extraordinary things."

"I hope you're right Doc because when I pray for her at night I can hear her thoughts. I can hear how badly she wants to be better so she can tell you how she feels about you. If she survives, you should take her on a date. Just keep the clothes on."

"Thank you Faith. I promise I will keep all clothes on for as long as possible," I chuckled and shook my head. It felt wrong to feel any form of optimism when I had just heard such a disturbing story. And somehow it felt like it was precisely what Bella would want. She wanted to forget all that had happened to her to continue living a happy carefree life. She wanted to be able to live in spite of the horrible things that had been done to her. I wiped the few tears off of my face that were falling without my permission.

"Dr. Cullen, why are you crying? Is something wrong?"

"No Bella nothing is wrong. I was just having a thought about a few things that were a bit upsetting."

"I know that what I heard was me, but how can that be me? How can it be me if I don't remember any of it?"

"Do you remember praying as a child? Going out of your way to go to church every Sunday?"

"Yes, how did you know that?"

"About what age did you stop?"

"I don't know I was about twelve probably. My mom started laughing at me about it whenever she saw me. It became uncomfortable. She used to tell me that I could find better ways to spend my day like getting a job to pay for myself. That was only when she was having one of her bad days though. Why?"

"What do you mean when you say bad days?"

"I don't know really. She had her ups and downs like any other person. There were days when she was happy with me and we would have our fun girls times, and then there were times when she wanted to forget about having responsibilities. Those were the bad days because she would be mad that I was always around reminding her of everything she couldn't do with her life. That's what she used to say anyway."

I nodded my head. I needed to know more about Renee. I needed to understand why she behaved the way that she did if I were to understand Bella. I wanted to know if there were more to Renee's "bad days" than met the eye.

"Alright, I think that we covered enough for this session. I'll see you back here on Wednesday. I want to take the day off tomorrow to figure a few things out and see if I need to schedule a joint session with your father."

"But we didn't really talk about anything."

"Do you remember how you told me that you could feel how you were someone different? How you could almost see yourself being someone else but had no control?" I waited until she nodded before continuing. "Did you feel it while you were sitting quietly?" She nodded again slowly. "We've talked enough for today. Go home and get some rest. We'll talk Wednesday."

I watched her walk out the door missing her presence already. I knew that Jasper wanted a session every day but I knew that I was emotionally drained after hearing Bella's story. I needed to talk to Charlie and find out what he knew before I could have another session with Bella. And for his sake I hoped that he knew absolutely nothing.


End file.
